Transitioning for a Bit

Hey guys,

I think I'm going to transition to blogging via my website for a while. Here's the latest: New Years Resolution Post

If I feel the need to discuss anything that I don't want the whole internet to read, I'll come back over here but in the meantime, I want to try to post a little more frequently in the other blog. Art related, life related, whatever! Sooooo, if you're following my ever-so-infrequent posts through any sort of RSS feed, I would recommend adding this one to the list as well.

Vacation Chronicles #8

So I'm sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight home. It's been a wild ride: my backpack needs to be washed, I was in a magnitude 6.1 earthquake at 3:30 in the morning, I drank more wine in the last 7 days than I have in the last 7 months, I ate several new foods, I spent time with three people who I haven't seen regularly in over 5 years, and I attempted to forget about the stressors in my life. I think I mostly succeeded. It's very hard to concentrate with all of these noisy, stressed-out people around. Why are airports full of those? I should have brought earplugs. I need to invest in a really good, really strong pair. I would have several uses for them. Pixel is the largest of those reasons. Anywho...

I realize that perhaps I am putting a little too much pressure on this trip. I am expecting it to solve all of my problems but that is highly unlikely and highly unfair. So instead, I will consider it a success because I was able to forget about some things for a while, focus on some things without external pressure, talk about some things with outside sources, and see some absolutely beautiful sights.

The earthquake was insane. Truthfully I'm a little tired of talking about it but I'll attempt to recap for archival purposes. It's very strange to be suddenly awoken (awaken? What's the right word here?) by violent shaking. I was in the earthquake we had on the east coast a few years ago. It was a 5.8 and the epicenter was somewhere in Virginia so I was fairly close, all things considered. Upon being jolted awake yesterday morning, I remember thinking to myself, "This one is way worse." Everything was shaking SO HARD. It's difficult to describe, really. There is no way to explain it. You had to feel it. The scary part was that, being 3:20am, it was pitch dark and I could hear glass shattering all around my uncle's house but I couldn't actually see anything. It was sensory deprivation and sensory overload all at the same time. I finally got out of bed and opened the bedroom door to find my uncle who had just run over. We looked at each other like, "What the hell?" and then it was done. If you ask me, I think the whole thing happened really fast. If you ask him, it was the longest 30 seconds of his life. Perspective. My aunt and uncle lost a lot of stuff. Several bottles from their wine room, their flat screen TV, several sculptures, some dishware, some coffee mugs, and the stuff that wasn't broken was all over the floor. What a mess... I helped them clean the worst of it for about 2 hours and then decided to go back to bed when everything calmed down. They just made a pot of coffee and stayed awake. They're crazy. 

This post is disjointed but the airport is really hectic right now. I have to work on zoning this shit out. 

The work situation I described in chronicle #1 has come to a conclusion. I spoke to our project lead a few times over the course of the trip. He managed to push the design stuff back just enough for me to do it when I get back. The caveat is that I have a lot of work to do by Friday. I was going to take the day off tomorrow to rest and relax but instead I am going to secretly work from home to try to get ahead. I am simultaneously pleased, thankful (to him for navigating that annoying scheduling mess), and scared/stressed. All day I've had a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach at the thought of what these next two weeks will be like. 

I did have a wonderful time on vacation though. I'm very sad that it's over but I'm also a little relieved to sleep in my own apartment again (for another week and a half), see my kittens, and not worry (as much) about another earthquake. Lots of changes and excitement are in store for my return. I hope that I can stave off burnout for as long as possible and reach a state of equilibrium as soon as I can. It should really be up to me to do this. Work very hard and very efficiently for the next 2 weeks and hopefully I can coast the rest of this year with a lot less stress and a lot more solidity than I have been able to muster in the early part of the year. Fall is my favorite season and Halloween is my favorite holiday so I have that to look forward to. I'm starting a dance class next Tuesday which should be fun. I have some cool art projects lined up if I find time for them. 

Things should be ok. Deep breaths.

Vacation Chronicles #7

I've been running nonstop since arriving in the Bay Area. Insane! In the last two and a half days, we've done parts of San Francisco, Muir Woods, a farmers market in Sonoma, Monterey Bay, Carmel, Pebble Beach, 2 wineries in Napa, and an art gallery/winery crossover. I don't even know how to summarize. 

I was absolutely right about the juxtapositions. It's been 100% fine dining, expensive wines, BMWs, and all the works since getting here. My uncle's house is amazing. Small, but it's on the edge of a vineyard so his dining room table overlooks a huge expanse of grape vines. I have my own bedroom and bathroom. Basically, this is better than what I have at home. They have been so gracious I can't even handle it. I haven't purchased a single thing in almost 3 days which makes me feel a little bad. I want to give them something to show my gratitude but what do you get rich, retired people that live on the edge of a vineyard? Nothing. They have it all. My uncle and his friend want me to design a wine label for them. They make wine. Maybe I will pay them in art. Such is the beauty and also the plight of an artist. 

The farmers market in Sonoma was absolutely adorable. The place looked like Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. I couldn't believe it... And there was this band of old ladies who were freaking awesome singing songs the likes of Pat Benetar and Tina Turner. All of the old hippies were cutting some serious rugs. 

The weather here is very different than LA but still very nice. They have this fog bank that comes in and out every day. It's there in the morning, recedes as the sun rises, and comes back at night. The weather and temperature here are entirely dependent on this overlord. People talk about it like its a living thing. "Ahhh, I haven't seen the bank this far up in a while!" "Man, it just won't go away today!"

All anyone talks about or thinks about around here is wine. Not that I have a problem with this. 

I've spent most of my time not actually in or around San Francisco. We're going back for the day on Sunday but we've mostly spent time in the areas all around it. There is so much to do around here within about 3 hours in any direction. We're attempting to see it ALL. 

I was able to meet up with my coworker friends who are in town for a wedding for a few minutes yesterday in Carmel. It was nice! I may end up going out with them a bit tonight but I'll have to figure out timing. My uncle and I are waking up early tomorrow to go to Yosemite so I want to make sure that I have enough sleep. This vacation is supposed to be relaxing me, not exhausting me. I appreciate the ability to see everything that I don't get to see every day. I can see my friends sing karaoke at home. That makes me sound like an old woman, but goddamn it, it's my vacation and I'll do what I want!

I want to stay here. Everything about this area is great. Napa is beautiful, San Francisco is SO COOL looking. I haven't even spent any real time there but the architecture and aesthetic alone are enough to make me want to live there. Ugh. Why is DC so ugly, boring, and filled with fat, rude people?! Seriously, we are doing it all wrong on the east coast. All. Wrong. If Robin Williams couldn't be happy here, he didn't stand a chance. This is what heaven must be like. 

4 more days... I don't want to leave. Especially since I know how shitty it's going to be when I get back. I'm really, really trying to enjoy my time here but I have the dread of my return hanging over my head. I was thinking about it today in the car. My life has been like one of those seismograph machine outputs. Fairly jagged for the last several months, EARTHQUAKE JAGGED for the last few weeks, flatline for these 12 days of vacation, and then fucking nightmarishly earthquake-jagged when I return. The sad part is that there is no real endpoint for the return-maelstrom. Vacation always provided this light at the end of the tunnel thing for me but now it's just a black hole I'm walking into. 

Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh... 

Enough of my own depression for one day. I'm going to go read about Shadow's depressing life. 

Vacation Chronicles #6

I'm on the plane to San Francisco. LA time has officially ended. Last night we went to a drag show at a gay bar at which I saw my only 2 celebrities of the whole trip. Jai Rodriguez from the Fab Five and Josh McKinkey from Project Runway. I didn't get to talk to Josh but I did get a picture with Jai! He was super nice... And also jet lagged from his trip to Sydney. 

I spent a lot of time on the beach yesterday and I have the obligatory patches of sunburn to prove it. Not enough to cause concern but more than enough to make me hot and uncomfortable. 

I finished The Silkworm and began American Gods as planned. I'm pleased with the way The Silkworm ended for sure. I love JK Rowling so much. She can do no harm in my eyes. So far, I'm liking American Gods as well. I have enjoyed all of the Doctor Who episodes that Neil Gaiman wrote and I love his blog post about George RR Martin so I was expecting to like his novels as well. I'm excited to finally read one so I can stop being a fake fan of his.  

I expect this trip to San Francisco to be 100% different than my LA experience. The juxtaposition of a few 20-somethings' lives in the heart of LA and a 60 year old retired rich guy in Napa Valley is almost comical. Lush, sophisticated dining will replace hole-in-the-wall Asian food gems. Convertibles will replace buses. Far-too-expensive glasses of wine will replace flasks... And I think that mix is really cool. (Or so I assume. For all I know my uncle will drop me off on a street corner and point me to the nearest McDonalds... Though I highly doubt that).

Shortest flight I've ever taken. We're already in the descent. 

Vacation Chronicles #5

I almost forgot to write my chronicles this morning. The horror! My weekend with Blythe was great!! We got over the the Getty yesterday. It was absolutely amazing. I have never been to another art museum like it. We got a later start (for which I am not at all complaining) that put us there about mid-afternoon and we lamented a bit because we could have easily spent a few more hours there. 

We got to thoroughly peruse a James Ensor exhibit which was really great. He's so creepy and weird and it was awesome. It makes me want to draw more--as every good artist always does. One day, maybe I will. I just can't seem to force drawing into my routine--probably because my "routine" is ever-changing. I just signed up for a dance class on Tuesday nights until February. Anything I can do to keep busy and stave off feelings of loneliness and self-pity. Ironically, none of those "things to stave off loneliness and self pity" revolve around visual art. I don't think it's active enough to distract me from thinking... that's what I've decided. Hopefully the cats easily adjust to having fewer people around. I hope they will be happy...

I have a lot to do to get ready for this move. Coming home will be rough. Work and moving are going to instantly stress me out again upon my return. Knowing that makes it hard to relax now--while I am still on vacation. As Blythe and I were saying last night, I know intellectually that this is crazy but for some reason, I continue to fall into this panicky thought process. It feels like I am being continually beaten down by my own head.  I'm sure everyone feels this. Some people are better at dealing with it I think; or maybe they have sources of joy that are strong enough to offset the negative feelings. I don't know, because obviously I'm still working on this. 

Sitting here in an armchair in Blythe's living room swimming in my own thoughts is not doing me any good, though. I should at least put on a bathing suit, head down to the beach, and swim in my own thoughts there. At least I can work on a tan or do some people watching. I am so close to finishing The Silkworm. Perhaps I can finish it today and start American Gods. I wish there were more Cormoran Strike novels. I really enjoy them. Being JK Rowling books, I'm sure it's only a matter of time befor they're turned into movies. It'll give me a reason to reread them and then be disappointed by the outcome. The actors will then form the image of the characters in my mind while I read later books... Not the end of the world but it does change things a bit. Though I've realized lately that I don't usually put a face to characters when I'm reading. I'll put a body to them; and clothes; but I always have a very vague image of their face. This might be because I generally try to put myself in the shoes of the character--so I guess you wouldn't see your own face on a normal day, would you? I don't know. I just came to the staggering realization very recently that, despite being a visual artist who is fascinated by character creation, I tend to ignore the faces of characters in books. Odd, that's all. 

Here are a few pictures from the Getty...

Vacation Chronicles #4

I don't know if I'll keep this up every day. Truthfully, I'm already running out of things to say. It's a nice morning exercise though. 

Yesterday was fun. We did all of the touristy LA things like Hollywood Blvd and hiking to the Griffith Observatory (which left us with some pretty good shots of the Hollywood sign). Hollywood Blvd was a lot like the Vegas strip in my opinion. Loud, big, colorful, and riddled with people in costumes trying to get your attention/money. 

Me and Johnny Depp!

The sun is always, absolutely always, shining. The weather continues to be the most noteworthy thing about this place. Luckily, I've applied enough sunscreen and spent just enough time outside to avoid getting burnt--which is great. Apparently many of Blythe's east coast visitors have gotten fried--so it's a very real threat. I guess this is because the temperature is always fairly cool, especially on the beach where there is a very strong ocean breeze; and there is no humidity, but, alas, the sun is ever present. There are no clouds. Not a single cloud. 

I wonder what the Bay Area adventures are going to be like. I really haven't seen or interacted with my uncle in a quiet while and now I am going to be spending a whole week with him. It will be fine. I just wonder if we're going to have enough to talk about. I imagine the area and the activities will probably provide a lot of conversation starters. Plus I have tentatively planned to meet up with a few friends once I'm up there--a few coworkers and my old coworker from when I was working at the dojo. Not the asshole who owns the place but the other employee. It will be weird but he really wants to meet up. Truthfully, I'm not sure what Uncle Greg has planned so I'm not even sure if I will have a lot of free time over there but we'll see. I will admit that the gaping hole of days in front of me in which I don't know what I will be doing is giving me a little bit of heartburn. I'm used to over-scheduling. I know this is crazy--but it still makes me a little uncomfortable.  

I still have two more days here in LA though so I shouldn't get ahead of myself! Today we're doing the artsy thing and going to the Getty. 

Vacation Chronicles #3

24 additional hours of observation:

1) Marijiuana is pervasive here. It's absolutely everywhere--people smoking it, people selling it, people selling memrobelia for it. Venice Beach, as an entity, is high all the time. 

2) My friend from work was right, all of the people ARE beautiful here. We went to a play last night. As always, regardless of city/state, the audience had a median age of 60 but they were all super attractive, tan, VERY well-dressed, and relatively fit. This is, I think, because...

3) People are so active here! Why wouldn't you be? The weather lends itself to taking walks/runs/bike rides every single day. Weather is absolutely never a reason to avoid working out--or in the case of many of these people I'm sure, exploring the awesome surroundings. 

I can't believe I'm already in (the morning of) day three. Vacations always fly by so fast. It's a little upsetting. The passing of time is always interesting to me. Perhaps I've written about this before. It's absolutely amazing to me how a 12 day vacation can feel about 3 times shorter than 5 days of waiting for something or 1 week of intense work. It's all relative. I think this is a reason (one of many) that Doctor Who is attractive to me. What is time really? How and why is scientific time even important if the perception of it is so much more prevalent?

I contnue to feel mostly calm with only the occasional panicky setback. Yesterday I was able to get out of my head a little bit. It was easier to pick up my Kindle and read for a while without (too many) daydream distractions. This is an improvement, albeit small. 

I went to In n Out Burger for lunch where a man had just crashed into the wall of the shopping center outside in his beat up Lexus. It was a new food experience AND a show! No one was hurt so it was just entertaining. 

Today is Saturday so Blythe isn't working which means that we have the whole day to hang out and explore! I'm very excited for this alternate California experience. The previous two days have just been some self-exploration (including a really cool studio tour!) that usually ended in the beach. No complaints here at all but it will be fun to have a tour guide AND to finally get some much needed catch up time. 

Vacation Chronicles #2

I don't know how I want to form these chronicles. I don't think I want it to be a play by play of everything I did every single day. Seems excessive--unless there are noteworthy moments, of course.

Perhaps I will devote this one to impressions. I haven't even been in California for 24 hours yet but I have essentially spent a "day" doing stuff and being here so I certainly have drawn a few conclusions. 

Some things I noticed:

1) LA is pretty spread out. I didn't understand what everyone meant about having to drive everywhere but now I do. It's kind if sprawling. As we were flying in I noticed the grids upon grids of low-lying, neatly-stacked houses that seem to stretch on infinitely in all directions. 

2) There are a LOT of crazy people here. A man holding a stuffed monkey projectile sneezed on my leg in the bus and then said "God bless you" to himself. 

3) Veince beach is pretty much the stereotypical picture of LA that I had in my mind: colors, skateboards, break dancers, graffiti, surfers, etc. I didn't really get a chance to explore the boardwalk much because I made a beeline for the ocean but I think I will walk around a little more today. 

4) LA is a city, after all, and it is a lot like a typical city in a lot of ways--but everything is outside. Every restaurant has permanent outdoor seating because the weather is perfect every single day (70s/80s during the day and cool 60s at night--very little humidity and no rain). Everything is colorful and kissed with an air of beachiness.

5) Despite the crazies, people are way nicer here overall. Even the crazy people are nicer. Crazies in DC yell at you. Crazies in LA sneeze on your knee after asking how you are doing. 

Being on the beach yesterday was wonderful (despite forgetting a towel--see photo). It was nice to smell the ocean again. I grew up on the jersey shore. My grandparents have a house there so we spent every weekend of every summer of my childhood on the beach. In recent years I have really begun to miss it. This summer, I hadn't even put on a bathinsuit once until yesterday's beach adventure. This being my first trip to a west coast beach, I definitely noticed some key differences but overall, a beach is a beach and I felt right at home. It was easy to walk to Santa Monica from there to meet up with Blythe and Brian after they finished work. We went to happy hour, then to dinner, then to karaoke. 

All in all, it was a really good day and I already feel significantly less stressed. The antsy, on-edge feeling has all but dissipated and now exhaustion is setting in. As I sit here in their living room at 9am listening to the sounds of some people rustling around outside, I don't even want to get up to go to the kitchen for food. Haha. I will. But for the moment, I'm enjoying the rest. I would like to have more of this so-called rest. 

Vacation Chronicles #1

I'm on the plane to LA swirling in a storm of my own thoughts so I figured I'd write them down in an attempt to quiet them. Perhaps I can chronicle this trip in a way that acts as a sort of catharsis. I need this vacation. I need this time alone. I need this time away from the people I've been surrounded with. I need this time away from work and from other extraneous pressures. I don't need to think about the 72 CVS emails I get on a daily basis. Or the fact that if I don't log into the video game I allowed Jason to suck me into, I might be removed from the alliance... a pressure I neither asked for nor understand and yet I feel the need to avoid. 

My father is right. I put too much pressure on myself. He knows it. I know it. Anyone who has spoken to me for longer than 5 minutes knows it. I just can't stop. I don't know why. Perhaps it's the fear of failure regardless of how trivial the task. I always think of that song "I Speak Six Languages" from 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee when I think about my life. 

"Winning is a job and I get no real enjoyment..."

The character is a little girl who excels at everything because that's what's expected of her. The song is a lament of sorts about the unnecessary pressure that generates. She ends up intentionally misspelling a word in an attempt to join the normal kids. This sounds like a stuck-up, self-righteous problem to have. The way I see it though, who cares about accomplishments if they don't make you happy?

In light of Robin Williams's suicide, I've been thinking a lot about this. Suicide really bothers me. "Bother" is the only word I can muster to generalize it. It's some mixture of terror, depression, and fascination. Any time I hear of a suicide, I am filled with really intense emotion. I understand what it feels like to think that no one understands the world inside your head... the thought that you're entirely alone despite being surrounded by 7 billion other people... wondering why humans were given emotion... wondering why humans were given life... wishing you could find some sense of purpose or some sense of peace to get you through each day and give you a reason to get out of bed the next time. These are things I think about all the time--and to watch people succumb to these thoughts over and over again feels like a societal failure to me. We couldn't convince Robin that he meant something to the world. We failed. At least that's the way I see it. 

Yesterday was my birthday. Overall, a pretty good day. Last day before vacation, lots of cake from friends at work, promotion compensation announcement from my supervisor. Right before I left though, I was sucked into a planning meeting for one of my projects in which we were faced with the unfortunate truth that, schedules being what they are (and they are shit), another designer will have to be pulled in to do very important work in my absence. I will, of course, get to continue when I return but all of the major concepting will be done by this temp designer. Let me put it into lay terms... I was cast as a supporting role in a musical. I attended all of the rehearsals, learned all of my lines and all of my songs, helped the other cast members learn their lines and songs, and on the way to the performance, I got caught in a traffic jam and the understudy had to go on stage in my stead. I made it there in time to perform in the final group number. That is essentially what happened here. 

I got angry. Very angry. In preparation for this vacation I've been working extended hours for almost 2 weeks, the stress in my personal life is still highly present, and dropping this bomb on me an hour before the end of my last day (which just so happened to be my goddamn birthday) was too much for me to handle. The tension in the room was palpable and for that I felt bad but when I step over the threshold of that much anger and frustration (usually brought on, as was this, by something entirely beyond my control), I can't reign it in. It was all I could do not to burst into tears in the conference room... tears--my unfortunate biological response to that level of anger; as I believe I've mentioned before. So I sat there stewing quietly, focusing the entirety of my attention on not crying. Our project lead pulled me aside to see if I was ok and to allow me to vent my frustrations. At that point, I was so close to breaking down that I essentially gave him one word answers. I didn't want to cry in front of him for several reasons: I didn't want to cry at work; I didn't want to cry in front of someone with that much stature; and if I'm being totally honest, I find him really attractive, so I didn't want to look like an idiot. (Here's to hoping no one from work finds this blog).

We left the meeting and I took a walk outside. I had to get out. I called my grandparents who wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I sat in a parking lot for 20 minutes, and then I went back to work feeling ever-so-slightly farther away from tears. As soon as I got back, one of my best friends at work pulled me aside to see if I was ok. When I am in that kind of a mood, there are certain people who make me cry the second they even look at me. My dad is one of those people. Apparently this guy is as well. I think it's the same as when a little kid falls and scrapes their knee and holds it together until they see their mom--at which point they erupt into hysterics. This guy took me under his wing and showed me the ropes when I started and has been one of my biggest supporters ever since. His father passed away recently and a few of us attended one or all of the various burial services. We're a close team. Sometimes, it feels a lot like family. Anyway, I was almost instantly crying the second we stepped into a conference room, which made me even angrier because I had done such a good job holding it together until then. I felt a little bad because he is one of those people who cries when he sees other people cry and I really wasn't trying to ruin anyone's day. We talked for a while and he tried to cheer me up. A few of us went out for drinks after work. I think they all felt bad that I got mad on my birthday. I felt embarrassed that the last hour of work unexpectedly revolved around my feelings. The whole thing sucked and quite honestly I'm still in a really weird mood. 

I talked to my dad (...because I really needed another one of those cry-initiators) on my walk to the dojo. He, as previously mentioned, reminded me once again that I over stress. My mother could be heard in the background saying, "look who's talking!" He told me that I've been doing this since grade school (fact) and that it's not healthy (fact). And then he said, "Monique, I don't know how to help you. I have never been able to help you." It was one of those statements that freezes time--the kind that you can recall in vivid detail for the rest of your life. He said it with the same sense of defeat as I described above in my bit about Robin Williams. He's concerned about my ability to fight my own demons. He always has been. I'm sure these kinds of news stories are just as impactful to him as they are to me, albeit for different reasons. 

Back to the plane. I need this vacation for so many reasons. I really hope that it's restorative. I'm not going to check email. I'm not going to spend (much) time on social media sites. I'm just going to live. I want this to be a reset button before I go back and have to deal with work (which will be just as busy when I get back despite the temp designer stealing my thunder) and moving out of the apartment with Jason, living some place new away from the people I'm used to. It's daunting and I'm dreading it but I'm really hoping that this trip adds some much needed perspective. I need to get out of my own head and re-enter the world. 

A Post!

So, I've been avoiding this comprehensive post for a while. It overwhelms me with its capacity.

In the last 2 months, I have:

1) Been in 2 weddings in 2 states in 2 weeks
2) Bought a new car
3) Gone to a new dentist (something I'd avoided for far too long)
4) Attended at least 4 Aikido seminars/special classes
5) Applied for and signed lease documents for a new apartment in a new state (Virginia)
6) Planned a vacation to CA

These activities leave me tired and stressed.

The demise of my relationship with Jason, while entirely initiated by myself, has been eating away at me for 8 months now (God, that long?) and the fact that I am about to move out makes it all seem very final and, quite honestly, makes me question whether or not it was even a good idea to begin with. Truth be told I could probably benefit from this time alone but I am really going to miss having him there to talk to—especially since he will be living up to an hour away (we're both moving closer to our respective jobs). It's just the worst feeling.

All things considered, the new apartment is pretty nice. Not as small as I was expecting to find, and not as expensive as I was expecting to have to settle with. Ultimately a win.

This morning on the way into work I was lamenting over a few things about relationships:

1) It's very annoying that you cannot choose who you are attracted to. If that were the case, I would choose Jason and we'd wrap this whole thing up with a little bow.
2) It's also very annoying that I spend so much time and energy worrying about it. Why do I judge the success of my life based on my romantic relationships? Why do most people do that? Why can't we be our own source of happiness and supplement that happiness with friends/lovers? In the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty great. I have allowed this ONE aspect of it to color my mood for a year. And color it has! I am finding gray hairs.
4) Why does it seem like everyone in the world is getting married? The onslaught of wedding talk doesn't help with the "avoid thinking about relationships" attempt...

Moving into an apartment by myself with 2 cats is the first step to becoming a crazy old cat lady. Is this something that I am ok with?

In other news, my California vacation is now less than a month away and I am SO EXCITED to get out of here and stop thinking about everything... or at least have 1.5 weeks where I don't have to DO anything about it.

In other other news, 2 weekends ago, I had a very funny experience involving a person who was the product of many a conversation in high school. I will not use names for SEO purposes but about 4 seconds into this story, the 3 people who read this blog will know exactly who I am talking about.

Facebook informed me that this fellow would be starring in a musical production in Philly during the months of May, June, and some of July. I thought it would be amusing for old time's sake to see the production—considering I spent such a great deal of energy on this person in high school, and considering he spends most, if not all, of his time in NYC now.

Elana was gracious enough to accompany me to the show on very short notice so we got there early to make sure we got tickets. Left with an hour or so to spare, we decided to take a walk to a nearby restaurant to kill some time. While crossing the street, GUESS WHO WE SEE in the window of the restaurant. Yep. We decided to go to the place next door... we didn't want to risk awkward encounters. Turns out the place next door actually wasn't the place next door... it was the same goddamn place. So we marched right on past his table to be seated at the back of the restaurant. Giggling ensued. We did not make our presence known.

The show progressed as usual. Turns out we were seated 4 seats down the aisle from his PARENTS. The show was cute. We ran into another friend from high school during intermission (married AND pregnant—really though, EVERYONE?!) Since it was a professional production, I hadn't expected to encounter him after the show so I swallowed my pride and my rekindled longing and prepared to go back to the car. Upon leaving, we noticed his parents waiting around in the lobby. Now I swore to myself that I had grown up since high school. I swore to myself that I was less creepy and more in command of my compulsions now. I swore that the next time I encountered this person I would be cool as a cucumber in one of those "See what you missed out on?" kinds of moments that you see in the movies. But when I saw his parents waiting just outside the door of the lobby we were in, I turned to Elana and said, "Stop... we wait RIGHT HERE." Elana, ever the good sport, giggled and said, "Ok."

Mere minutes (which felt like 7 awkward hours) later, he arrived. The plan was to casually walk out the door as though we just happened to be walking by at the right time... My fucking palms were sweaty as we approached. I was thinking to myself, "Monique, this is absolutely insane! Stop it!" Alas, my acting skills took over and as we approached the man in question, I called out his name, cool as a cucumber (I realize this is hard to convey via written word... if I were to be saying it to myself it would have sounded like "MO-nique CU-chi! (how the hell are ya?)"). He turned toward me and I have to admit the look on his face was rather encouraging. Some mixture of "Oh my god, you are literally the last person in the world I was expecting to see" and "What a pleasant surprise!" He said "Oh my god, Monique!! Thank you so much for coming" and gave me a big hug. He introduced me to his parents (we've met) and I said, "Do you remember Elana from high school?" to which he replied "Of course!" but Elana was convinced that he didn't... I tend to agree with her. And then he was accosted by UD summer theater pre-teens. We tried to wait until they left but he had to run back inside so we didn't get to talk any more. I sent him a Facebook message congratulating him and never got a response (unsurprised).

Lessons learned:

1) Upon seeing him again, I instantly reverted to my 16 year old self, but I think I held it together on the outside pretty well. All in all, a highly amusing experience...
2) I forgot how tiny he was. As I hugged him, I wondered if I was, in fact, larger than he.
3) After the shock of seeing him again wore off, I got over it rather quickly and was a little miffed that he didn't respond to my message. Whatever. He's too cool now, I guess.

That's it for now. Countdown to California: 28 days.

California!

So I've gone and done something a bit unprecedented (perhaps unsurprisingly). I booked a vacation by myself, for myself, with me, myself, and I. 

To California. 

In late August. 

I will spend the first half in LA with BLYTHE! And the second half in the Bay Area with my uncle. Both are being gracious enough to put me up while I'm there but really I'm just stoked to get the hell out of here and enjoy the time away. 

I'll keep you posted on details as I come up with them. For now, I've got dates and plane tickets. (And lodging). A great start, I think!

Apartments

It's not even time to move yet but it's been really distracting me lately. I just have so much financial anxiety about moving into an apartment by myself with 2 cats. The options are so slim...

I keep pouring over apartment-search websites as though I'm going to find something else—which is always possible with Craigslist—but since I'm not moving until September anyway, what's the point!? I wouldn't be able to take it yet. It's just stressing me out unnecessarily. I keep repeating this to myself but I keep looking anyway. It's a compulsion. I have plenty of other tasks to take up all of my time; why am I wasting time on this?

Someone should put parental controls on all of my computers that forbid me from accessing all housing/apartment sites. Maybe I would get something done...

Challenges!!

Redesigning my website has become a nightmare.

The theme I bought... while very extensive... is difficult to understand. For every bug I fix, 5 more appear. It's rough.

Last night, I reorganized my portfolio files at least. I fished through all of the work that I have stored on my iMac (presumably the largest collection of my myriad computers) and established a cleaner collection as well as a more sensible navigation for the site itself. Baby steps I guess.

Thankfully I'm not looking for a job. The more portfolio sites I look at, the more frustrated I get. There are some really nice ones out there. I just don't have the technological skills to develop one like it just yet. Nor do I really have the direction in terms of work samples. I just want to get something up that makes sense so that I can transition into doing more illustration work. The better the work, the better the site will be.

I find that I get really tired after work on the days when I don't have aikido. I drank a coffee as I was leaving work yesterday to offset that. I was still a little tired. Maybe it worked. It kept me awake at midnight once I decided to throw in the towel for the night—that's for sure. I just find that I waste the hours between 6 and 9 doing nothing because I'm tired... and then I get a second wind around 10 or so that keeps me up until midnight... How can I alter that pattern? Maybe it has to do with food. Maybe I should push through and force myself to make dinner as soon as I get home so that the food will reenergize me. I don't know. It's frustrating.

If humans didn't need to sleep, we would get so much more done! Relaxation is worthwhile but sleep is just a waste of 8 hours if you ask me.

A Declaration

For one whole day, I am not going to rush.

Today I will take things as they come and complete things as I have the time/energy.

This past weekend was the bridal extravaganza up in Philly. Hooray! All bridal stuff is finally done! My life is mine once more! And then I got slammed with tonsillitis...

This week was essentially a wash. Thinking about everything I am behind on this morning (my one and only day of full-work this week), I started stressing myself out as usual.

I made a pact with myself during a bathroom break that I won't rush for the rest of the day. I have a lot going on, a lot to do, and a lot of places to be. And I'm still only operating at about 70% health and 30% energy. The world will keep turning. I think.

I don't even have the energy to describe the things I'm worried about these days.

Cliff notes:

• Got a new pair of glasses. They're not working as well as I'd hoped but the doc double checked the prescription and says they should be fine. The world looks distorted. It doesn't feel "fine."
• I will have to submit a claim to the ins company because of a weird snafu that made me pay for the glasses out of pocket... insurance confuses me. The idea of solving this problem makes my stomach hurt.
• I decided to re-do my website... because I can't leave well enough alone. It's the one ounce of fun I've been able to find lately. So it'll be fun when I get around to completing it. The advantage is that I'm not actively looking for a job so I can tinker forever and nothing outwardly bad will happen. I want to reorient this site to present myself as an illustrator predominantly... who also does design. My current job will pay my way through the next few years until I can formulate some sort of plan for tapping into the illustration/character creation field that interests me more. But I should begin structuring my extra-curricular life to fit my goals.
• I have an aikido test in 2 weeks that I feel underprepared for but I haven't been to class in over a week thanks to tonsillitis and travel.

Blythe likes to say that discontent is our greatest asset... in the moment though, discontent feels frustrating... Perhaps the world will seem a little less overwhelming when I can breathe through my nose again, swallow without the pain of a thousand knives, and stop coughing up phlegm. Maybe. I don't know.

No rushing today though. No rushing.

Post Finally Completed!

I finally finished the post about Lean In.

Read it here.

For some reason, my website isn't working very well right now. I will have to look into why it's breaking the links. Let me know if you can't access it and I'll copy and paste the post here.

Blog Vows

I haven't forgotten that I vowed to write a post about Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In. This last week has been nothing short of a nightmare involving to do lists and check boxes. Alas, I did begin a draft of the post. I'm going to publish it on my design blog—not this one. I feel it's a poignant enough topic for more than 3 people to read.. if they so choose—and I don't want to do that by giving more people access to this blog. I like to keep this readership fairly small.

I haven't lied though. And I don't intend to be mean. I simply want to reflect on all the bad press this book has gotten and what I think (my opinion and nothing more) her message is and what I think women should take from the book.

In other news, work has gotten busy and weddings remain busy. At the risk of any brides reading this and learning things they shouldn't know, I'll forego the details—but essentially there has been a lot of planning and a lot of crafting. I'm counting down the days until both showers and bachelorette parties are over so that the things I am MOST responsible for will have ended. I have no doubt that I will assist both brides with wedding prep but the showers/bachelorettes are putting way more pressure on me at this point.

I haven't forgotten about my Jekyll & Hyde project either. Partially, I am waiting to move forward until wedding things calm down a bit, but I have managed to squeeze in some research about my favorite illustrators when I have had a free moment. Ironically, I find that I'm wasting more and more time on reading blogs lately. I subscribed to a bunch of illustration blogs in addition to my design blogs from before and I set up Feedly as a more organized source of collecting and displaying them all. So when my mind wanders these days, it tends to land on my Feedly homepage. Perhaps I can encourage it to land on more specific research. I just realized that I am attempting to organize and plan time "wasted." I realize how crazy that sounds. No life can/should be that scheduled. And yet, I find it somehow comforting.

Thanks to all the snow, ice, and obligations, I have had a hard time sticking to running lately. I haven't totally fallen off the bandwagon but it certainly has been less than 3-days a week. So yesterday I chose to do a Crossfit workout (as per Jason's designation) in lieu of being able to go outside for a run or go to aikido class (it was canceled due to the snow). I am embarrassingly sore today. Lesson learned = my muscles are weak. Benefits of this workout = it kicked my ass and took a grand total of SEVEN minutes. I can get behind that... if my muscles will allow me to.

I Keep Intending to Write...

... but when the opportunity presents itself I find little to say.

I will admit that in my recent attempt to look at everything differently, I noticed something. While I routinely insult myself for my lack of consistency in blogging, I fail to acknowledge the consistency I actually do have! Since I created this blog in 2010, I have written several entries (between 10 and 40) every year! That's really not too bad. In fact, I would even argue that it is relatively consistent. So... if I may learn a lesson here and recite it unto you... perhaps a shift in focus is just the thing. Are you focusing too closely? What does the situation look like when you step back? Maybe high school art taught me a little more than how to draw photorealistic portraits.

Interesting.

Wedding preparations are still occupying most of my time. I'd like to spend a little more effort on my Jekyll & Hyde project but it will come soon enough. I've been relatively good about avoiding extra design work. Saying no... realizing that I can't "drive across the state in 10 minutes."

I'm thinking about buying a car soon. I have just about enough money saved to put half down. I might give it another month or two (partially to save a little more money and partially because I'm too busy to get it sooner). This one.

Aikido has been interesting. This dojo is very different from the last. The art is not all about the instructors... but the chief instructor essentially sets the stage for the kind of community he (or sometimes she!!) wants to cultivate. I still haven't been able to release my anger about the demise of my relationship with the old place and it's a shame because I loved everyone there—including the asshole that led it. I think it stings so bad for that very reason. I actually liked the guy! Go back in time! Read my old blogs! I had only positive things to say about him for such a long time. I admired him. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to be proud to have me as a student. So then what? We have this awkward situation in which his elevated... let's call them what they really were: lies... about what working for him would be like clashed with the reality of my life. I acquire the courage to stop it before it gets out of control. I see an opportunity to rekindle my relationship with this martial art by studying with someone else. And suddenly I'm the fucking spawn of Satan. He spends 12 minutes on the phone telling me about how selfish an uncommitted I am and about how these qualities will continue to shoot me in the foot. It's disgusting. It really is.

So here I am now in a place where people train because they like to—they teach because they like to—not because it's paying their electric bill. And you know what? It's a fucking sigh of relief. I absolutely never dread walking in that door the way I used to at the old place. There is no sense of fear or uneasiness as I wait to be told that I'm doing some foreign ritual incorrectly. Nothing is mandatory. I don't have to sell my soul and cement myself to one location for a few hours every week in order to receive advanced training. If I'm tired and decide last minute that I'd rather go home than go to class, I can. And I can go the next day. And no one criticizes. And since the lead instructors actually teach classes, I get to train with people who are at a very high level 3-4 times as much as I could in the old place. Again, not knocking any of the alternate teachers at the old place. I loved them all like I said—but it's nice to be taught by more than one person who's been doing this for longer than I've been alive. I don't know what I expect to get out of this martial arts training, but I don't feel the need to make it my whole life here. I can make it exactly as important as I want to make it. And you know what? I find that I WANT to devote more time to it now. I'm incredibly interested in some of the more experimental training that our most experienced teacher has been developing. I may only achieve a minuscule portion of it in any given class but hearing it repeatedly, and understanding what it is that he's trying to convey—even if I can't get my body to move that efficiently yet—can only help me.

I just want to learn. The mysticism of the whole thing is really interesting to me. The way a person can rearrange his or her body to generate power is often pretty surprising. A difference in the angle of a foot or the direction of a gaze has remarkable effects. It's difficult to convey in words alone. As an overachieving to-do-list maker and achievement whore, I keep trying to quantify or qualify what this training is doing for me and my body. It's not as though this is a workout the caliber of Crossfit. I run as a supplemental activity. I certainly don't plan on getting myself into any combat situations (not that it is entirely my choice). So what is it then? Balance? Flexibility? Grip strength? Body Control? Core strength? I don't know. It's something.

I'm Going to Keep Posting!

I've just gone through and added all of the design blogs I try to follow to my Blogger Dashboard. Theoretically, I'll only have to check one location from now on in order to (1) catch up with all of you and (2) continue to keep up with the web design world. This will also remind me to post when I have some downtime.

Is productivity really just a result of how efficiently you can manage the different spinning plates of your life? In that sense, technology is a huge asset to productivity. And then Facebook happens—4 hours elapse and somehow the only thing you've accomplished is developing a creepily-comprehensive visual history of a person you had one class with in high school almost 10 years ago.

Blessing meet curse.

As a chronically over-committed person, I try to look for new things to keep productivity high and motivation active. One of the "waiting for me to get around to reading" tabs on my browser at the moment is an article entitled "7 Things Star Wars Taught Me About Productivity." Increasingly I'm learning that productivity has a lot to do with environment. Are you comfortable? Are you distracted? Are you cold? Are you worried about someone interrupting you? How do we harvest more productive environments?

I need a house. A 1-bedroom apartment is maddening. In the wake of uncomfortable lifestyle changes, I fear that I may have to move again. A studio apartment—though it is the only thing I can afford on my own—seems incredibly stifling to me. Living in this area is so hard to do.

One step at a time. No one is moving anywhere right now. Not yet.

A Directionless Post

I feel a need to post but I have nothing much to say...

I would love to be a person that consistently keeps a blog. However, as evidenced by the archive in my right rail, it is very clear that at around the 4th or 5th month of relatively consistent posting, I end up forgetting about blogging with the next installment of "Monique is in her 20s—here is another major life change."

I would like to work on consistency. While variety (the spice of life) is of utmost importance to me, I find that I tend to crave some semblance of routine—a few things about which I can say "Yes, I do this consistently." Aikido is really the only thing that fits that description right now. That's fine. That's probably more than a lot of people my age can say.

I visited my family this weekend. It was nice—always is. The more time I spend separated from them, though, the more I realize how different my life has become. My life-goals (if I have any life-goals) don't necessarily mimic theirs anymore. And I feel like I have been fighting this internal battle of who I want to be versus who my family expects me to be. I know that if push came to shove, they would accept pretty much whatever I threw at them. They have always been supportive; but not without judgment. And, I don't know. Some of the roads I've been compelled to follow lately don't lend themselves well to their acceptance.

Sometimes, it's nice to visit, but then it's nice to get away. I find that to be true for more than just my family.

Makes me want to fly away somewhere get lost in anonymity.

Weddings

'Tis the season for weddings. It seems like everyone I know is getting married.

I'm in the bridal party for two weddings within 2 weeks of one another in June—in 2 different states. I have gone from being in exactly 1 wedding in the past (as a junior bridesmaid) to suddenly being in two at the same time and having TWICE the amount of prep to deal with. Both showers are in March. One Bachelorette is in March and the other is the weekend in between the two weddings in June. So it's kind of silly. It's CHAOS from now until March—and then there will be this dead-space of 2 months before the madness of June.

Of course, there will be preparatory work to be done for the weddings themselves in April and May but since the showers and bachelorettes are the two bridesmaid-run events, I'm thinking that the February/March period will be more insane.

To complicate matters one step farther, there are TWO AIKIDO SEMINARS in March. What is going on with the world?! March is not the only month in 2014, people!! I will have to miss one of the seminars due to a shower conflict but I should be able to attend the other in full—which should be a nice way to relax but since it will ultimately be just another place that I have to be at a specific time on a specific day, it might end up feeling like more of a chore.

Ah, well. When it rains it pours, I guess.

It's not all grim. These things are, at the heart of it, very fun. It's my obsessive-compulsive tendencies that are making me anxious about it. I want everything to run smoothly. I want everything to be done on time—and a lot of the pressure is on me to make that happen. I certainly have plenty of help—but help doesn't eliminate the pressure; merely reduces it.

This insanity is part of the reason I chose to adopt my "One Step at a Time" mentality for a New Years Resolution. I think I might have to get it tattooed backward on my goddamn forehead, though, because oftentimes I start cataloging all of these obligations at once and I start hyperventilating.

Another Year Gone By

Well life certainly gets interesting.

I'll spare you the details of the last 6 months or so but I do apologize for the lengthy lapse in posting. I wanted to devote this post, mostly, to a declaration of resolutions/intentions/goals/whatever-word-you-choose for the year.

Last year's resolution to draw something every day was a bit ambitious; but I'm proud of my progress! I drew something every single day in the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, and October. That's 7 months! Pretty good! The remaining months didn't go un-drawn—I just didn't stick to it daily. Overall, fairly successful—and I would say that I even have a few nice pieces to show for it.

This year, I think I'm going to be a little broader, a little more vague, and a little more all-inclusive.

I tend to think of these goals in categories.

In the "Art" Category:
My goal is to illustrate one book this year. One day, I'd love to write my own book and illustrate that, but in the interest of scope, I'm going to leave the writing to someone else this time. My first thought was The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. However, I read the short story and learned that the original isn't very interesting in comparison to all of the other media that has been made about it after the fact. So instead, I will be illustrating The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This novella is super interesting and the musical is my favorite! So, I have a great deal of excitement about it already.

In the "Work" Category:
Now that my work life has settled, I'm really quite happy. I'll work on little things this year like being more productive or working through moments of lesser motivation. Mostly, I just want to learn a LOT about this design field and attempt to develop some sort of mastery in it. I don't want to take this job for granted because it's the best I've ever had so I will really want to make the most out of it this year.

In the "Personal" Category:
I feel as though I have a lot of work to do here. I'm just struggling. I let things stress me out more than I should. I take things for granted more than I should. I'm motivated when I can't do anything about it. I'm unmotivated when I have the time. I'm restless. I'm tired. I'm stressed. There are a lot of things to work on. Once more in the interest of scope (can you tell that I've been working for a consulting agency for 7 months now?) I'm going to try to pick a few to work on. I've given it a little thought and I believe that these 3 will be the focus:

1. Taking Things One Step at a Time—Instead of obsessing about everything at once and collapsing under the pressure, I am going to try to focus on one thing at a time. When I finish that thing, I will work on another thing.
2. Re-Defining Myself—I've spent a very long time making decisions about who I am and what I want based on the presence of others—family, friends, and most notably—boyfriends. I need to figure out who I am and what I want before I try to share my life with someone else on any sort of permanent level. When things are broken in my relationship, I feel like a broken person myself. That isn't healthy.
3. Running More Consistently—When things stress me out or when I feel the need to physically run away from a situation, I always find solace in jogging through the neighborhood with some music that I enjoy and unwinding. I've begun the "Couch to 5k" program so that I don't hurt myself (my problem with running is that my endurance tends to outlive my legs so I push too hard too soon and get injured). Maybe I'll enter a race. Maybe I won't. But it'll be something good for me to do for myself.

Mostly, I want to work on being happier and feeling more fulfilled. Who doesn't? These are the ways in which I'm going to try to chip away at that utopia for 2014.

Rock on.