... but when the opportunity presents itself I find little to say.
I will admit that in my recent attempt to look at everything differently, I noticed something. While I routinely insult myself for my lack of consistency in blogging, I fail to acknowledge the consistency I actually do have! Since I created this blog in 2010, I have written several entries (between 10 and 40) every year! That's really not too bad. In fact, I would even argue that it is relatively consistent. So... if I may learn a lesson here and recite it unto you... perhaps a shift in focus is just the thing. Are you focusing too closely? What does the situation look like when you step back? Maybe high school art taught me a little more than how to draw photorealistic portraits.
Interesting.
Wedding preparations are still occupying most of my time. I'd like to spend a little more effort on my Jekyll & Hyde project but it will come soon enough. I've been relatively good about avoiding extra design work. Saying no... realizing that I can't "drive across the state in 10 minutes."
I'm thinking about buying a car soon. I have just about enough money saved to put half down. I might give it another month or two (partially to save a little more money and partially because I'm too busy to get it sooner). This one.
Aikido has been interesting. This dojo is very different from the last. The art is not all about the instructors... but the chief instructor essentially sets the stage for the kind of community he (or sometimes she!!) wants to cultivate. I still haven't been able to release my anger about the demise of my relationship with the old place and it's a shame because I loved everyone there—including the asshole that led it. I think it stings so bad for that very reason. I actually liked the guy! Go back in time! Read my old blogs! I had only positive things to say about him for such a long time. I admired him. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to be proud to have me as a student. So then what? We have this awkward situation in which his elevated... let's call them what they really were: lies... about what working for him would be like clashed with the reality of my life. I acquire the courage to stop it before it gets out of control. I see an opportunity to rekindle my relationship with this martial art by studying with someone else. And suddenly I'm the fucking spawn of Satan. He spends 12 minutes on the phone telling me about how selfish an uncommitted I am and about how these qualities will continue to shoot me in the foot. It's disgusting. It really is.
So here I am now in a place where people train because they like to—they teach because they like to—not because it's paying their electric bill. And you know what? It's a fucking sigh of relief. I absolutely never dread walking in that door the way I used to at the old place. There is no sense of fear or uneasiness as I wait to be told that I'm doing some foreign ritual incorrectly. Nothing is mandatory. I don't have to sell my soul and cement myself to one location for a few hours every week in order to receive advanced training. If I'm tired and decide last minute that I'd rather go home than go to class, I can. And I can go the next day. And no one criticizes. And since the lead instructors actually teach classes, I get to train with people who are at a very high level 3-4 times as much as I could in the old place. Again, not knocking any of the alternate teachers at the old place. I loved them all like I said—but it's nice to be taught by more than one person who's been doing this for longer than I've been alive. I don't know what I expect to get out of this martial arts training, but I don't feel the need to make it my whole life here. I can make it exactly as important as I want to make it. And you know what? I find that I WANT to devote more time to it now. I'm incredibly interested in some of the more experimental training that our most experienced teacher has been developing. I may only achieve a minuscule portion of it in any given class but hearing it repeatedly, and understanding what it is that he's trying to convey—even if I can't get my body to move that efficiently yet—can only help me.
I just want to learn. The mysticism of the whole thing is really interesting to me. The way a person can rearrange his or her body to generate power is often pretty surprising. A difference in the angle of a foot or the direction of a gaze has remarkable effects. It's difficult to convey in words alone. As an overachieving to-do-list maker and achievement whore, I keep trying to quantify or qualify what this training is doing for me and my body. It's not as though this is a workout the caliber of Crossfit. I run as a supplemental activity. I certainly don't plan on getting myself into any combat situations (not that it is entirely my choice). So what is it then? Balance? Flexibility? Grip strength? Body Control? Core strength? I don't know. It's something.
