In light of my recent musings about my embarrassingly weak willpower, I've decided to take on a New Year's Resolution. Ultimately, there are quite a few things that I would like to work on in the upcoming year but today I came up with a really great, really specific resolution that will definitely be challenging but, I think, completely achievable.
In 2013, I am going to draw something (anything at all) every single day.
My parents got me a Wacom Intuos 5 tablet for Christmas (link) which means I have an awesome, really expensive drawing tool at my fingertips that will sit around collecting dust unless I promise myself that I will use it. (Kind of like the $500 keyboard piano I got for Christmas as a freshman in college when I erroneously assumed I'd have the time to take up an instrument).
Specifications of this Resolution:
1) The drawings can be in any format but digital is preferable because I'll get to use the new tablet and I can display them on this blog or a Facebook album as a way to ensure that I'm doing it every day. If other people are following my progress, maybe I'll be less likely to slip up. We'll see.
2) The drawings don't have to be brand new every day. If, for instance, I wanted to take on a larger project, I can devote several days in a row to it's completion but I have to chronicle the progress every day to ensure that I am actually sticking to the resolution.
3) Perhaps each month can have a theme? I'm thinking something that has been notoriously difficult for me to draw in the past..this way if I spend every day over an entire month working on it, I may actually improve! Human hands, hair, mouths, animals, symmetry, etc... Some direction might be nice because honestly, my biggest problem is going to be "ok, now what do I draw today?" That's going to take the most amount of effort, I'm sure.
Other goals of 2013 - in no particular order:
1) Work toward a good life balance: don't burn out on something by doing it too much. Learn to say no.
2) Try, again, to determine what I want to do as a career and THOROUGHLY research it before jumping into something new.
3) Stop worrying so much. (heh...)
4) Establish a more thorough and balanced exercise routine. The more I study for this personal training certification, the more I want to experiment with it. "January 1st" seems like a great time to start. I'm a little more lax with this one because I still train at Aikido consistently but I need a new safe place. Aikido is too affected by work now so I'm looking for something else to be that place of relaxation. I'd love to move beyond exercise as maintenance and actually begin working on increasing performance but as long as I am keeping up with my currently healthy habits, I won't be too concerned or strict on this point.
5) Work on my willpower in general: getting out of bed on time, choosing healthy food options when I'm really hungry (because that's usually the time when I eat like shit), moderating dessert consumption any time I visit my parents/go to parties/go out to eat, forcing myself to be productive when I have to be (this has been less of an issue in the recent past but in light of all these new goals, I might need more of a boost in this area).
6) Get back into reading fiction after the personal training shit is over. That certification takes precedence. Get it done and then move on.
7) Try to think more positively in all aspects of life. Instead of considering what went wrong, focus on what is going well. Even down to the way I speak... when someone says "How are you?" I should be saying "Good, thanks" instead of "Not too bad." Eliminate as much negativity as possible. Instead of "Saturday sucked because I had to work for 3 hours in the morning," it will be, "Saturday was great because Jason and I went to see The Hobbit after work!" (True story by the way... I did have to work, BUT we did see The Hobbit, and it was awesome.) This isn't going to be an overnight transition but I really have to start trying or else I will never find a job that I enjoy. Anyone can turn anything into a bad situation if they think about it negatively enough. I say this. I believe it. And I never fucking do it. Willpower, goddamn it. This year, it's gonna change.
I want to reach the month of April and actually feel like I've accomplished something. The personal training exam will be over so I should feel like my time is back under my control. I will have had 3 full months of willpower training under my belt and may actually have some productivity to show for it. I should be happier because I will have tried to remove as much negativity as possible from my mental space AND, most importantly, if nothing else, I will have had the opportunity to draw (a talent that I have had my entire life, my longest and most comfortable skill) for 90-ish consecutive days in a row.
Ready, set, go!!
12.30.2012
12.17.2012
I Should Start Reading Cracked.com
I genuinely enjoy every article I actually read on cracked.com. I should make an attempt to actually read it on my own instead of just following links from friends.
Like this article
Good stuff.
Like this article
Good stuff.
12.16.2012
Resolve & Prioritization
I'm forcing the mental and emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past few months to end. My methods for doing so are perhaps a bit flawed but I'm going to run with it.
Resolve. I've resigned myself to the fact that this job is not the deus ex machina I forced upon it. I wanted it to solve all of my problems and as Blythe pointed out, there was absolutely no way for that to be true. I've gone through the grieving process, I've grunted through unexpected overtime, and I'm gaining a new resolve. This is a "job." It stresses me out sometimes (lots of times), it isn't necessarily what I thought it would be, it occasionally expects more from me than I think it should, it is just as much of a pain in the ass as many other young professionals' jobs, but most importantly, it pays my bills. It is the reason that I am sitting comfortably at home with enough food and heat and clothing to get me through. Will I continually try to find that perfect career? Fuck yes. But I'm giving up on thinking that this one is going to be my salvation. Could it improve significantly in a relatively short amount of time? Yes. It definitely can. But I am going to stop expecting it to, because it takes up too much of my mental space. I already spend enough hours there; I don't need to obsess about it when I come home too. I've been dreaming about it almost every night - that's messed up.
Next week is Christmas. I've never baked so many cookies before. Every Sunday this December has been devoted to holiday treats. I think it's a desperate attempt to establish normalcy in my 1 day off per week. This leaves me with a lot of cookies, candy, stomach aches, acne, and something resembling happiness. I appreciate the opportunity to do whatever the fuck I want for a day. We have a generous break for the holidays. I'm looking forward to the time off...although it's always slightly colored by a tiring amount of travel, at least this year leaves me with a few extra days for rest and relaxation in between. And it seems as though the weekend work schedule is chilling out for at least a few weeks. Also appreciated. I'm trying this whole "counting my blessings" thing. I don't want to be one of those people who only ever has something negative to say. I hate those people so I don't want to be one.
Ultimately, I have to really step back and try to stop being so negative because my boss is being SUPER gracious and helpful about this whole whirlwind. Following my last post (the whiny one), we had another chat about where we saw the position and the dojo moving in the future and how we can work on a few things in the interim to alleviate some of the unnecessary pressure. Blessing counted.
Prioritization. I have to zero in on a few things in my life and let a few others go for a hot second or else I'll never be able to get rid of the feeling that every second of relaxation is a second I should be devoting to some to-do list goal.
Decisions:
1) Let go of the mental stress about the new job. When I am not at work, I need to STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK. Open up that mental space.
2) Send out the few pending invoices for past freelance design work I've done, get paid, and then STOP ACCEPTING MORE WORK.
3) Focus on studying for this personal training certification. At this point, honestly, I really don't have the energy or desire to pursue it anymore BUT I've already paid for it and I want to support Jason in his pursuit of it as well so I will follow through with it. I think it's probably a little bit of unnecessary pressure but ultimately, I will be able to use the things I learn from studying for the certification in my current job. I've just sort of backtracked on the whole reason I started this thing. The goal was to break up the creative energy I spent all day long at the last job with this academic/fitness oriented subject. But now that I do fitness stuff all day long, I'm back to the age old problem of "too much of a good thing." Perfect balance would be to do something creative for one part of the day and something fitness-y for the other part. Allow them to relieve one another instead of doubling up on one thing and burning out on it. Goal. Set.
I think we're probably going to aim to take the exam in March. At that time, I am going to take a serious look at my life and say, ok, what are you doing right now full time? Good, let's fill that "free time" outside of work with SOMETHING ELSE. And I have to stick to it. When I spend too much time trying to think of free time and professional time independently, they don't match up correctly and I end up with this burn-out sensation. So, Goal #2: Consider my WHOLE life at the same time. Don't make any rash fucking decisions until I've thoroughly considered how it is going to affect EVERY minute of my life. Yeah? Good.
Maybe I can form this into some kind of New Year's Resolution. I really like the idea of a New Year's Resolution but I don't think I've ever really had a good one or if I did, I never stuck to it. I'd love to have the will-power to do something for an entire year though. That sounds like a great character-building exercise.
Resolve. I've resigned myself to the fact that this job is not the deus ex machina I forced upon it. I wanted it to solve all of my problems and as Blythe pointed out, there was absolutely no way for that to be true. I've gone through the grieving process, I've grunted through unexpected overtime, and I'm gaining a new resolve. This is a "job." It stresses me out sometimes (lots of times), it isn't necessarily what I thought it would be, it occasionally expects more from me than I think it should, it is just as much of a pain in the ass as many other young professionals' jobs, but most importantly, it pays my bills. It is the reason that I am sitting comfortably at home with enough food and heat and clothing to get me through. Will I continually try to find that perfect career? Fuck yes. But I'm giving up on thinking that this one is going to be my salvation. Could it improve significantly in a relatively short amount of time? Yes. It definitely can. But I am going to stop expecting it to, because it takes up too much of my mental space. I already spend enough hours there; I don't need to obsess about it when I come home too. I've been dreaming about it almost every night - that's messed up.
Next week is Christmas. I've never baked so many cookies before. Every Sunday this December has been devoted to holiday treats. I think it's a desperate attempt to establish normalcy in my 1 day off per week. This leaves me with a lot of cookies, candy, stomach aches, acne, and something resembling happiness. I appreciate the opportunity to do whatever the fuck I want for a day. We have a generous break for the holidays. I'm looking forward to the time off...although it's always slightly colored by a tiring amount of travel, at least this year leaves me with a few extra days for rest and relaxation in between. And it seems as though the weekend work schedule is chilling out for at least a few weeks. Also appreciated. I'm trying this whole "counting my blessings" thing. I don't want to be one of those people who only ever has something negative to say. I hate those people so I don't want to be one.
Ultimately, I have to really step back and try to stop being so negative because my boss is being SUPER gracious and helpful about this whole whirlwind. Following my last post (the whiny one), we had another chat about where we saw the position and the dojo moving in the future and how we can work on a few things in the interim to alleviate some of the unnecessary pressure. Blessing counted.
Prioritization. I have to zero in on a few things in my life and let a few others go for a hot second or else I'll never be able to get rid of the feeling that every second of relaxation is a second I should be devoting to some to-do list goal.
Decisions:
1) Let go of the mental stress about the new job. When I am not at work, I need to STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK. Open up that mental space.
2) Send out the few pending invoices for past freelance design work I've done, get paid, and then STOP ACCEPTING MORE WORK.
3) Focus on studying for this personal training certification. At this point, honestly, I really don't have the energy or desire to pursue it anymore BUT I've already paid for it and I want to support Jason in his pursuit of it as well so I will follow through with it. I think it's probably a little bit of unnecessary pressure but ultimately, I will be able to use the things I learn from studying for the certification in my current job. I've just sort of backtracked on the whole reason I started this thing. The goal was to break up the creative energy I spent all day long at the last job with this academic/fitness oriented subject. But now that I do fitness stuff all day long, I'm back to the age old problem of "too much of a good thing." Perfect balance would be to do something creative for one part of the day and something fitness-y for the other part. Allow them to relieve one another instead of doubling up on one thing and burning out on it. Goal. Set.
I think we're probably going to aim to take the exam in March. At that time, I am going to take a serious look at my life and say, ok, what are you doing right now full time? Good, let's fill that "free time" outside of work with SOMETHING ELSE. And I have to stick to it. When I spend too much time trying to think of free time and professional time independently, they don't match up correctly and I end up with this burn-out sensation. So, Goal #2: Consider my WHOLE life at the same time. Don't make any rash fucking decisions until I've thoroughly considered how it is going to affect EVERY minute of my life. Yeah? Good.
Maybe I can form this into some kind of New Year's Resolution. I really like the idea of a New Year's Resolution but I don't think I've ever really had a good one or if I did, I never stuck to it. I'd love to have the will-power to do something for an entire year though. That sounds like a great character-building exercise.
12.12.2012
'Tis the Season
For stress.
Though I am counting down the days until I get to be off completely for 4ish days around Christmas. In the meantime I'm trying to determine how to feel about this job and what to do about it.
I had a great conversation last week with my boss who is nice enough to care about whether or not we're overwhelmed and attempt to help us fix it. But then we jump right into this crazy week which is going to seemingly override all of the strides we made to reduce stress. I'm still working 6 days this week and I'm still working overtime on more than one of those 6 days. How did we get back to this so quickly? I thought we JUST talked about it?! Is it all talk?
I don't know how I want to spend the rest of my professional life. I really don't. But until I figure it out, is it too much to ask for a job that doesn't envelope my whole life?! He wants it to be a "vocation." I went to catholic school. I know what a vocation is. It's not really something that you can grow. It's intrinsic. So while he may find this kind of work his vocation, I'm not aligned. So I'd rather not devote my whole existence to it just yet, you know? Why is it the stigma that 9-5 M-F is a rarity anymore? Is it an East Coast thing? An America thing? Why do we have to be CEOs with 15 years experience before we can work normal hours? That's not just a problem with this one job. It's an epidemic I think. But how do we fight it? We still need to eat and pay rent.
Real life sucks. Can I go back to college?
Though I am counting down the days until I get to be off completely for 4ish days around Christmas. In the meantime I'm trying to determine how to feel about this job and what to do about it.
I had a great conversation last week with my boss who is nice enough to care about whether or not we're overwhelmed and attempt to help us fix it. But then we jump right into this crazy week which is going to seemingly override all of the strides we made to reduce stress. I'm still working 6 days this week and I'm still working overtime on more than one of those 6 days. How did we get back to this so quickly? I thought we JUST talked about it?! Is it all talk?
I don't know how I want to spend the rest of my professional life. I really don't. But until I figure it out, is it too much to ask for a job that doesn't envelope my whole life?! He wants it to be a "vocation." I went to catholic school. I know what a vocation is. It's not really something that you can grow. It's intrinsic. So while he may find this kind of work his vocation, I'm not aligned. So I'd rather not devote my whole existence to it just yet, you know? Why is it the stigma that 9-5 M-F is a rarity anymore? Is it an East Coast thing? An America thing? Why do we have to be CEOs with 15 years experience before we can work normal hours? That's not just a problem with this one job. It's an epidemic I think. But how do we fight it? We still need to eat and pay rent.
Real life sucks. Can I go back to college?
12.02.2012
Oh, Hey, Remember when it was still October?
We decorated for Christmas yesterday. Christmas tree, advent calendar, stockings, the whole nine. How did we get here so quickly? I've been baking cookies and apple chips for 3 hours and am now waiting for my Chinese food to arrive so I thought I'd throw some collection of thoughts out there for you guys. Jason has been at the Raven's game all day so I decided to grab Christmas by the horns and force the season upon myself on this, my first day of zero obligation, in over a month.
I'm tired.
The new job...I have to address it so I might as well get to it now. I threw myself into it thinking it was going to be this deus ex machina of a vocation that would leave me loving every second of my life. Sadly, that's not exactly how it's panned out. It's tough. The hours are long. And while I can honestly say the day-to-day activities are overall less mind-numbing than the last job, this one leaves me painfully stressed out. The simple fact that I spend SO MANY HOURS there is killing me softly. (Lots of Saturdays in a row due to various events/youth classes in addition to over time hours almost every day). It's interesting because the one thing I had definitely considered but hadn't given enough thought to was how drastically my opinion of the place would change. I began Aikido at a time when my job was stressful and unsatisfying and my home life was more dramatic than a Lifetime movie. Aikido was the one place I could go and always find relief. When I moved, my apartment became a place I actually ENJOYED being. There were nights when I would think to myself, "I definitely planned to go to Aikido tonight but I kinda just want to sit on my couch and cuddle with Jason." Combine that with the fact that I almost immediately began WORKING there and the dojo has essentially turned into the source of my stress...the place I want to escape FROM. I hadn't anticipated that...and it's really upsetting me. I'm not too sure what I can do about it at this point. I've committed to this job for a year and truthfully, if I wasn't working there, where would I go? I keep telling myself I'll go back to school for something art-related and I most likely will at this point. I just have to stop changing my mind. I had a plan, I threw it away (somewhat) when this opportunity arose and now I find myself wondering if maybe it was a mistake.
Ultimately, if I didn't change jobs, I'd still be unhappy but I wouldn't be nearly as stressed or as crunched for time. And Aikido would still be a positive influence in my life. It's a catch 22. You know, I'd like to think that if I could survive living with Satan for a year, I can definitely survive this for a year. I think back to the beginning of my last job and there were certainly plenty of overtime hours and unnecessary stress. I definitely can't forget that: growing pains suck ass. But I also know that, as I believe I've said before, I have much more in common with the people at this job. We're friends; not just people that work together. I am absolutely appreciated more here than in the last one.
Ultimately I have to admit that this is certainly a step in the right direction for a lot of reasons but right now, it's hitting me at a time when all I want to do is be with my family and enjoy time off for the holidays...not feel forever indebted to the current job for a vacation to Florida that I already had planned months before this position was even open. I hate that I have to count minutes with my family during the holidays for what would have otherwise been a non-issue at the old place. It's putting a really bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing.
I'm also fighting a wicked cold so my optimism is weakened right off the bat. I have to find some kind of balance eventually..right? I have to.
And I want an effing cat.
It's not 100% bad though. I did have a really good time in Disneyworld/Universal with Jason and his family. And moving in with him continues to be the best thing that's happened to me in the two years we've been together. The time I do get to spend at home is always refreshing. Like today for instance. I've gotten so much done today!! And yet I still feel relaxed...because nothing is a "job." It's all holiday related or organization related. It's so damn nice to have a day to yourself. Even social obligations like vacations and weddings feel like a chore when they're sandwiched in between everything else. It's looking like I'll have next Sunday off as well. I'm looking forward to it!!
I keep telling myself I'm going to wake up at 6 oclock from now on so that I have an hour or 2 to get things accomplished before work but it's yet to happen. Once this cold is out of my system, I shouldn't feel like a zombie in the morning but I really have to force myself to get up. Evenings are becoming a waste in terms of getting things accomplished because this job leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. All I want to do when I get home is eat and relax...I should make more time for that much needed decompression.
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