New Year's Resolution

In light of my recent musings about my embarrassingly weak willpower, I've decided to take on a New Year's Resolution. Ultimately, there are quite a few things that I would like to work on in the upcoming year but today I came up with a really great, really specific resolution that will definitely be challenging but, I think, completely achievable.

In 2013, I am going to draw something (anything at all) every single day.

My parents got me a Wacom Intuos 5 tablet for Christmas (link) which means I have an awesome, really expensive drawing tool at my fingertips that will sit around collecting dust unless I promise myself that I will use it. (Kind of like the $500 keyboard piano I got for Christmas as a freshman in college when I erroneously assumed I'd have the time to take up an instrument).

Specifications of this Resolution:

1) The drawings can be in any format but digital is preferable because I'll get to use the new tablet and I can display them on this blog or a Facebook album as a way to ensure that I'm doing it every day. If other people are following my progress, maybe I'll be less likely to slip up. We'll see.

2) The drawings don't have to be brand new every day. If, for instance, I wanted to take on a larger project, I can devote several days in a row to it's completion but I have to chronicle the progress every day to ensure that I am actually sticking to the resolution.

3) Perhaps each month can have a theme? I'm thinking something that has been notoriously difficult for me to draw in the past..this way if I spend every day over an entire month working on it, I may actually improve! Human hands, hair, mouths, animals, symmetry, etc... Some direction might be nice because honestly, my biggest problem is going to be "ok, now what do I draw today?" That's going to take the most amount of effort, I'm sure.

Other goals of 2013 - in no particular order:

1) Work toward a good life balance: don't burn out on something by doing it too much. Learn to say no.

2) Try, again, to determine what I want to do as a career and THOROUGHLY research it before jumping into something new.

3) Stop worrying so much. (heh...)

4) Establish a more thorough and balanced exercise routine. The more I study for this personal training certification, the more I want to experiment with it. "January 1st" seems like a great time to start. I'm a little more lax with this one because I still train at Aikido consistently but I need a new safe place. Aikido is too affected by work now so I'm looking for something else to be that place of relaxation. I'd love to move beyond exercise as maintenance and actually begin working on increasing performance but as long as I am keeping up with my currently healthy habits, I won't be too concerned or strict on this point.

5) Work on my willpower in general: getting out of bed on time, choosing healthy food options when I'm really hungry (because that's usually the time when I eat like shit), moderating dessert consumption any time I visit my parents/go to parties/go out to eat, forcing myself to be productive when I have to be (this has been less of an issue in the recent past but in light of all these new goals, I might need more of a boost in this area).

6) Get back into reading fiction after the personal training shit is over. That certification takes precedence. Get it done and then move on.

7) Try to think more positively in all aspects of life. Instead of considering what went wrong, focus on what is going well. Even down to the way I speak... when someone says "How are you?" I should be saying "Good, thanks" instead of "Not too bad." Eliminate as much negativity as possible. Instead of "Saturday sucked because I had to work for 3 hours in the morning," it will be, "Saturday was great because Jason and I went to see The Hobbit after work!" (True story by the way... I did have to work, BUT we did see The Hobbit, and it was awesome.) This isn't going to be an overnight transition but I really have to start trying or else I will never find a job that I enjoy. Anyone can turn anything into a bad situation if they think about it negatively enough. I say this. I believe it. And I never fucking do it. Willpower, goddamn it. This year, it's gonna change.

I want to reach the month of April and actually feel like I've accomplished something. The personal training exam will be over so I should feel like my time is back under my control. I will have had 3 full months of willpower training under my belt and may actually have some productivity to show for it. I should be happier because I will have tried to remove as much negativity as possible from my mental space AND, most importantly, if nothing else, I will have had the opportunity to draw (a talent that I have had my entire life, my longest and most comfortable skill) for 90-ish consecutive days in a row.

Ready, set, go!!

I Should Start Reading Cracked.com

I genuinely enjoy every article I actually read on cracked.com. I should make an attempt to actually read it on my own instead of just following links from friends.

Like this article

Good stuff.

Resolve & Prioritization

I'm forcing the mental and emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past few months to end. My methods for doing so are perhaps a bit flawed but I'm going to run with it.

Resolve. I've resigned myself to the fact that this job is not the deus ex machina I forced upon it. I wanted it to solve all of my problems and as Blythe pointed out, there was absolutely no way for that to be true. I've gone through the grieving process, I've grunted through unexpected overtime, and I'm gaining a new resolve. This is a "job." It stresses me out sometimes (lots of times), it isn't necessarily what I thought it would be, it occasionally expects more from me than I think it should, it is just as much of a pain in the ass as many other young professionals' jobs, but most importantly, it pays my bills. It is the reason that I am sitting comfortably at home with enough food and heat and clothing to get me through. Will I continually try to find that perfect career? Fuck yes. But I'm giving up on thinking that this one is going to be my salvation. Could it improve significantly in a relatively short amount of time? Yes. It definitely can. But I am going to stop expecting it to, because it takes up too much of my mental space. I already spend enough hours there; I don't need to obsess about it when I come home too. I've been dreaming about it almost every night - that's messed up.

Next week is Christmas. I've never baked so many cookies before. Every Sunday this December has been devoted to holiday treats. I think it's a desperate attempt to establish normalcy in my 1 day off per week. This leaves me with a lot of cookies, candy, stomach aches, acne, and something resembling happiness. I appreciate the opportunity to do whatever the fuck I want for a day. We have a generous break for the holidays. I'm looking forward to the time off...although it's always slightly colored by a tiring amount of travel, at least this year leaves me with a few extra days for rest and relaxation in between. And it seems as though the weekend work schedule is chilling out for at least a few weeks. Also appreciated. I'm trying this whole "counting my blessings" thing. I don't want to be one of those people who only ever has something negative to say. I hate those people so I don't want to be one.

Ultimately, I have to really step back and try to stop being so negative because my boss is being SUPER gracious and helpful about this whole whirlwind. Following my last post (the whiny one), we had another chat about where we saw the position and the dojo moving in the future and how we can work on a few things in the interim to alleviate some of the unnecessary pressure. Blessing counted.

Prioritization. I have to zero in on a few things in my life and let a few others go for a hot second or else I'll never be able to get rid of the feeling that every second of relaxation is a second I should be devoting to some to-do list goal.

Decisions:

1) Let go of the mental stress about the new job. When I am not at work, I need to STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK. Open up that mental space.

2) Send out the few pending invoices for past freelance design work I've done, get paid, and then STOP ACCEPTING MORE WORK.

3) Focus on studying for this personal training certification. At this point, honestly, I really don't have the energy or desire to pursue it anymore BUT I've already paid for it and I want to support Jason in his  pursuit of it as well so I will follow through with it. I think it's probably a little bit of unnecessary pressure but ultimately, I will be able to use the things I learn from studying for the certification in my current job. I've just sort of backtracked on the whole reason I started this thing. The goal was to break up the creative energy I spent all day long at the last job with this academic/fitness oriented subject. But now that I do fitness stuff all day long, I'm back to the age old problem of "too much of a good thing." Perfect balance would be to do something creative for one part of the day and something fitness-y for the other part. Allow them to relieve one another instead of doubling up on one thing and burning out on it. Goal. Set.

I think we're probably going to aim to take the exam in March. At that time, I am going to take a serious look at my life and say, ok, what are you doing right now full time? Good, let's fill that "free time" outside of work with SOMETHING ELSE. And I have to stick to it. When I spend too much time trying to think of free time and professional time independently, they don't match up correctly and I end up with this burn-out sensation. So, Goal #2: Consider my WHOLE life at the same time. Don't make any rash fucking decisions until I've thoroughly considered how it is going to affect EVERY minute of my life. Yeah? Good.

Maybe I can form this into some kind of New Year's Resolution. I really like the idea of a New Year's Resolution but I don't think I've ever really had a good one or if I did, I never stuck to it. I'd love to have the will-power to do something for an entire year though. That sounds like a great character-building exercise.

'Tis the Season

For stress.

Though I am counting down the days until I get to be off completely for 4ish days around Christmas. In the meantime I'm trying to determine how to feel about this job and what to do about it.

I had a great conversation last week with my boss who is nice enough to care about whether or not we're overwhelmed and attempt to help us fix it. But then we jump right into this crazy week which is going to seemingly override all of the strides we made to reduce stress. I'm still working 6 days this week and I'm still working overtime on more than one of those 6 days. How did we get back to this so quickly? I thought we JUST talked about it?! Is it all talk?

I don't know how I want to spend the rest of my professional life. I really don't. But until I figure it out, is it too much to ask for a job that doesn't envelope my whole life?! He wants it to be a "vocation." I went to catholic school. I know what a vocation is. It's not really something that you can grow. It's intrinsic. So while he may find this kind of work his vocation, I'm not aligned. So I'd rather not devote my whole existence to it just yet, you know? Why is it the stigma that 9-5 M-F is a rarity anymore? Is it an East Coast thing? An America thing? Why do we have to be CEOs with 15 years experience before we can work normal hours? That's not just a problem with this one job. It's an epidemic I think. But how do we fight it? We still need to eat and pay rent.

Real life sucks. Can I go back to college?

Oh, Hey, Remember when it was still October?

We decorated for Christmas yesterday. Christmas tree, advent calendar, stockings, the whole nine. How did we get here so quickly? I've been baking cookies and apple chips for 3 hours and am now waiting for my Chinese food to arrive so I thought I'd throw some collection of thoughts out there for you guys. Jason has been at the Raven's game all day so I decided to grab Christmas by the horns and force the season upon myself on this, my first day of zero obligation, in over a month.

I'm tired.

The new job...I have to address it so I might as well get to it now. I threw myself into it thinking it was going to be this deus ex machina of a vocation that would leave me loving every second of my life. Sadly, that's not exactly how it's panned out. It's tough. The hours are long. And while I can honestly say the day-to-day activities are overall less mind-numbing than the last job, this one leaves me painfully stressed out. The simple fact that I spend SO MANY HOURS there is killing me softly. (Lots of Saturdays in a row due to various events/youth classes in addition to over time hours almost every day). It's interesting because the one thing I had definitely considered but hadn't given enough thought to was how drastically my opinion of the place would change. I began Aikido at a time when my job was stressful and unsatisfying and my home life was more dramatic than a Lifetime movie. Aikido was the one place I could go and always find relief. When I moved, my apartment became a place I actually ENJOYED being. There were nights when I would think to myself, "I definitely planned to go to Aikido tonight but I kinda just want to sit on my couch and cuddle with Jason." Combine that with the fact that I almost immediately began WORKING there and the dojo has essentially turned into the source of my stress...the place I want to escape FROM. I hadn't anticipated that...and it's really upsetting me. I'm not too sure what I can do about it at this point. I've committed to this job for a year and truthfully, if I wasn't working there, where would I go? I keep telling myself I'll go back to school for something art-related and I most likely will at this point. I just have to stop changing my mind. I had a plan, I threw it away (somewhat) when this opportunity arose and now I find myself wondering if maybe it was a mistake.

Ultimately, if I didn't change jobs, I'd still be unhappy but I wouldn't be nearly as stressed or as crunched for time. And Aikido would still be a positive influence in my life. It's a catch 22. You know, I'd like to think that if I could survive living with Satan for a year, I can definitely survive this for a year. I think back to the beginning of my last job and there were certainly plenty of overtime hours and unnecessary stress. I definitely can't forget that: growing pains suck ass. But I also know that, as I believe I've said before, I have much more in common with the people at this job. We're friends; not just people that work together. I am absolutely appreciated more here than in the last one. 

Ultimately I have to admit that this is certainly a step in the right direction for a lot of reasons but right now, it's hitting me at a time when all I want to do is be with my family and enjoy time off for the holidays...not feel forever indebted to the current job for a vacation to Florida that I already had planned months before this position was even open. I hate that I have to count minutes with my family during the holidays for what would have otherwise been a non-issue at the old place. It's putting a really bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing.

I'm also fighting a wicked cold so my optimism is weakened right off the bat. I have to find some kind of balance eventually..right? I have to. 

And I want an effing cat. 

It's not 100% bad though. I did have a really good time in Disneyworld/Universal with Jason and his family. And moving in with him continues to be the best thing that's happened to me in the two years we've been together. The time I do get to spend at home is always refreshing. Like today for instance. I've gotten so much done today!! And yet I still feel relaxed...because nothing is a "job." It's all holiday related or organization related. It's so damn nice to have a day to yourself. Even social obligations like vacations and weddings feel like a chore when they're sandwiched in between everything else. It's looking like I'll have next Sunday off as well. I'm looking forward to it!!

I keep telling myself I'm going to wake up at 6 oclock from now on so that I have an hour or 2 to get things accomplished before work but it's yet to happen. Once this cold is out of my system, I shouldn't feel like a zombie in the morning but I really have to force myself to get up. Evenings are becoming a waste in terms of getting things accomplished because this job leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. All I want to do when I get home is eat and relax...I should make more time for that much needed decompression.

I finished JK's book!

And I WOULD, after all, recommend it.

I decided to read a review or two online to see what other people thought and the more I talk about it with friends/read other people's thoughts, the more I think we all agree.

I'm going to paraphrase the good points of one review I read on Goodreads.com because I think the person gave away a little too much info so I'd rather not direct you to it and expose you to a bunch of spoilers.

Basically, if you're expecting a twisted murder mystery or the resurgence of Voldemort, you will be disappointed. That, I think, was my problem at the beginning. I was thinking it was a murder mystery. It's not. Read the synopsis again closely. It's a character-study. She writes in an omnipotent voice (is that the right term?). We are privy to every character's thoughts—so within each conversation we hear both the dialogue and the subtext of most of the contributors. Thus, she does a GREAT job with character development. And she doesn't sugarcoat them either; basically you end up hating almost everyone since we get to hear/read the thoughts that most people never say out loud.

It's a slow-moving dramatic character sketch about how the death of a city councilman affects almost everyone in the town. They drive themselves crazy over who will take his seat, how certain political topics will be handled (since Barry was the leader of the less-popular but arguably more righteous side), and all of these under-the-rug controversies and problems are suddenly thrown into public observation.

It's twisted, unholy, and very "true" to life. The people who say JK was just throwing in porn scenes and curses because she wanted to prove that she can write for adults are dumb. It's a very realistic novel, and in reality, people curse and have sex. It's not that she is throwing around these words and scenes unnecessarily. Everything influenced the story and the character development and I wouldn't consider it excessive.

Read it. It's a little long but an easy read. Slow-paced but short-chapters so you can churn through it pretty quick. And honestly, whenever I put it down, I never had to convince myself to pick it back up—I was continually interested in what was going on, despite being a little confused at first.

The Big Announcement!!

At long last I can FINALLY tell you what I've been so damn excited about!

I got a NEW JOB! (--Not a link, just excited formatting: color/bold/capitals/size) Let down? I'm sorry if it is. I'm not engaged or pregnant or anything haha. But it really is probably the second best thing that has happened to me all year. And it's happened almost immediately after the BEST thing that has happened to me all year (freedom from Satan/moving in with Jason). As I said to a friend today, I feel like the goddamn Israelites: DELIVERANCE!

So in the span of one month, my world has awakened! Let's call Fall 2012 the jumping off point for the Golden Age of Monique. Or perhaps the Enlightenment of Monique. Either works. 

I'll be a new Program Director at my dojo! Which basically means that I'll be in control of youth class enrollment and special events. I also get to help teach the kids' classes! So really, I'm going from the most sedentary job in the world to the most active job in the world next to, I don't know, building the pyramids (which was probably more physically demanding than my new profession). I'm so excited! Gone are the days of cardigan sweaters and coffee (which are probably the two best aspects of my current job). In come the days of athletic pants and water bottles. I'll get to help people, kids specifically, find peace and calm in crazy-ass DC through a martial art that is often called moving meditation. I'll work with people who care about my personal and professional development more than revenue. And in caring about those things, I know that the revenue will follow. My salary and benefits will be directly proportional to my success, a luxury/pressure that I've never had the opportunity to experience before.

It's a change in mentality. My current job is controlled by a businessman with more companies to his name than years since I graduated college. Thus, he is 100% money-minded. It's a perfectly fine way to be if that's what you're into but the more time I spend in that office, the more I realize how little I connect with that point of view on a personal level. It's not about salary. I don't know anyone who would turn down the opportunity for more money within whatever field they love. But I don't agree with money being the PRIME focus of the company. When money is the only end so many other aspects are ignored. This switch will not only be a switch in activity level but, more importantly, it will be a shift in outlook. At my new job, we exist to spread Aikido. In doing so, we make money. Obviously we need to make money to pay rent. But success for us is measured by the amount of students actively participating, finding happiness, and telling their friends. I often describe my current job as "making Chinese food restaurant ads." It obviously isn't all Chinese food ads; it is probably only 40% ads... but the idea of making a tiny ad for a random page in the middle of a visitors guide is a futile activity for me. What am I contributing to the world? At best, the restaurant receives more guests and does a little better financially. At worst, the guide gets tossed in the trash after a family flips through it without even stopping on the page with the ad. The insignificance bothers me... This is not to say that I am opposed to the company or that I think they are evil money-hungry villains, but that is not the kind of person I am. If I'm going to continue to spend 36% of my waking life at work (I calculated it), I want to be surrounded by "my kind of people" with my kind of goals. That's all.

The best thing about this switch though, is that I have 100% confidence in its inevitable success because it practically fell out of the sky and into my lap. Life doesn't shove something into your face so blatantly if it isn't meant to be. Perhaps this is the culmination of my knack for coincidence. I happened to strike up a friendship with the only other employee of the dojo pretty early on in my training so I was one of the first to learn that they were even considering hiring another full-time person. I told him, "Hey, if you guys are looking to hire within the dojo, let me know. I'd be interested in at least hearing about it." That simple conversation led to an unexpected email WEEKS later from my Sensei saying "Hey, I was talking to (friend) and he said you would be interested in hearing about this position we're looking to fill. Why don't we have a meeting next week?"

Out of the sky and into my lap. 

Let me tell you—because I know that all of you have worked just as hard and have flailed around just as desperately screaming at life to strike some sort of balance. You'll know that life has struck its balance when the circumstances that get you there are weirder than a poorly-written prime-time sitcom. Be patient. It WILL happen. And when it does, it feels so. fucking. good. 

YES YES!!!

Exciting thing SECURED!!!
I don't think I can talk about it JUST yet in a public forum but it's 100% happening and I'm STOKED.

Teaser:
In the wise words of Jason Mraz, "You don't need a vacation when there's nothing to escape from..."

YES.

yes.

Quick JK Rowling Update

Still waiting on the could-be-exciting thing. Hang tight for a few days.

In other news, I'm now about 70% through JK's book. I must say it's certainly lacking the charm of HP, however, I don't think it was ever intended to be charming. The more I read it, the more I think it's just a character sketch (a 500 page character sketch) about what happens to a group of people who are obsessed with the outcome of a political decision. It brings out the worst in everyone. Everyone. I don't know if I really like any of the characters. But she does a pretty good job of blurring the lines between good and evil. Even the "bad" people have their reasons for doing what they do.

I can't make any conclusions yet because there is still almost 1/3 of the book left. However, if I had to judge it RIGHT NOW, I would say that while I don't *love* it, I certainly can't say that I dislike it. Something about it keeps drawing me back in. Even if that something is JK herself...

Potentially Exciting Things on the Horizon

I can't say much. Not now. But there are potentially exciting things on the horizon. I am brimming with anticipation and I really have no avenue with which to express it because of so many variables left to be solidified. Not to tease you...I am just very impatient and needed to at least announce the POSSIBILITY of my getting very excited very soon.

This would be the time where I go, "Oh man, I just jynxed it!" but really, when am I going to stop believing in jynxes? I'm 24 years old, Jesus.

Also, JK Rowling's new book. It's good. I want to be more jazzed about it than I actually am I think. I'm about 35% through now and I still feel like it's lacking stakes. Like I still feel like I'm waiting for something. It's a really nice exercise in character development but I'm looking for more plot.

Anyway, stay tuned!

I Knew This Would Happen

Partially because I'm much more comfortable with my living situation (obviously)—partially because I am just so damn tired from all of the varying commitments—partially because I'm a little overwhelmed with trying to figure out what I want to concentrate my efforts on—I cannot seem to accomplish anything to completeness these days and all I want to do is curl up in a ball with a warm coffee and read JK Rowling's new book (even though I'm really not sure where she's going with it and am therefore a little underwhelmed at the moment).

[NOTE: I just realized that the above paragraph is one sentence. That hurts me a little but I'm also a little impressed by my ability to run-on so thoroughly so I decided not to edit it.]

At the risk of jynxing it, I believe that I have FINALLY liaised with my old roommate for the last time ever. By liaised, of course, I mean "fought." Upon receipt of my security deposit, I decided I no longer have to be nice to her and decided to respond to her latest email entitled "Please return things" the way I WANTED to, not in a nice way. Before receiving the security deposit back, I was slaughtering her with kindness despite her bitchy attitude. As soon as that check made it back into my hands, I dropped the kindness act like a hot pan (perhaps one of the pans she thinks I stole). It's very possible that my last email ever to her is one of bitchy sarcasm, and for that I am incredibly proud. Time to wash that shit out of my life.

Back to the topic at hand. I find that all I want to do anymore is go home and just hang out and curl up under blankets and drink warm things. This is exacerbated today by the cold and rainy weather but it has certainly become a theme. I knew it would happen. I knew as soon as I stumbled into a home that actually felt like "home" I would have so much less motivation to get all of my other shit accomplished. This is possibly the least upsetting problem I have had in a long while. Although, admittedly, it still IS a problem because I am miles behind on my Personal Training Studies. Miles. Bordering on light years.

In other news, I feel like I've reached the start of that period in any 20-something's life in which he or she is invited to a MILLION weddings. Everyone I know is getting married! It's very fun for sure. It's also expensive. I want to start making artsy things as gifts but the time required is almost more valuable than money to me these days. So I think I'll stick to the Bed, Bath, & Beyond spice racks for a little while. Perhaps when I discover this pocket of free time I keep pretending will magically reveal itself I'll actually get to complete some really solid artistic projects.

I also feel like my past 10 blog posts have ended with some sweeping generalization about all the things I'm going to accomplish "when I have the time." I think I need to reevaluate the way I budget my time.

Things are "Moving" Right Along

I never thought the day would actually come. In fact, it has come AND gone. Jason and I have been in the new apartment for a few days now. The culmination of all the planning and stress has finally passed over and we can settle in for (what I hope will be) longer than a year if we really want to. It would be so nice to actually stay put for longer than 12 months. Moving is so stressful. So many pieces to remember/put together. However, both of our career goals are still a little up-in-the-air at the moment. Perhaps too much so to claim that we'll be interested in living in the DC area again after a year. We'll see what happens..

Now that we're in the new place, we have to pick up the pace a little bit with the personal training studies. We're pretty far behind the schedule I made. But JK Rowling's new book is coming out in like 9 days so I might be taking some (frequent) breaks to read the book. Haha. I hope it's good. I've been waiting for it for such a long time! We'll see. I have a huge list of books I want to read. This CPT studying is interfering with my leisure reading! I have to stop agreeing to freelance jobs because they're taking too much time in the interim. Way too many things going on at once.

I also have another rank promotion test this Friday for Aikido. Ahh!

Lots to do. I'm very tired. But I'm just so happy to finally be finished with the move. That was a HUGE production looming over my head for the longest time. Now it's just a matter of negotiating the tiny storage space—unpacking is my favorite part of moving. So really, despite the craziness, I'm having a great time!

I hated living life in a countdown..."Oh god. Two weeks til I move. Gotta pack six boxes tonight after Aikido, take some stuff to my car tomorrow morning, One week! Gotta find more boxes. Can't use my (insert name of thing) until I unpack it in 4 days. Can't shop for food til we get to the new place. Can't spend time on reading my CPT stuff til I finish packing..." I hate having a ticking time bomb on my life. That part is finished...thankfully.

What?

The past two days have been weird.

Yesterday was my birthday and I am going to briefly describe the events below without trying to sound like a selfish douchebag. But basically, it was a weird day. The morning was nice because I was with Jason (I had stayed at his house this weekend). The train ride was ok and I got my free Starbucks beverage for my birthday. Good good.

All I was expecting from the office for my birthday was a cake and a card because that seems to be the protocol. And by "seems to be" I mean that every other person that has worked here for the past year gets a cake (or an assortment of cupcakes) and a card for their birthday and we sit around for 15 minutes eating sweets and chatting. However, they decided to be different I guess and we had a "pizza party" which really means that they used the free trade from one of our pizza advertisers to get rid of it. Fine. To be honest, I really wanted a healthier lunch but I never turn down free food and it was, albeit a little cheap, a nice birthday gesture. They should have left it there. I'd have considered it a fair trade-off and gone about my business. Instead, my boss decides to get a package of hostess cupcakes from CVS and present them to me on a paper plate with an individual candle in each one and a card that wasn't even signed by all FOUR people that work in the office. Really? I think I want to change "It's the thought that counts" to "It's the effort that counts." Because I wasn't looking for a designer cake from Georgetown, I was just looking for a little more commitment than a trip to the CVS at the corner.

I then proceeded to allow myself to become stressed out about moving again. We finally decided on the place and the move-in day (Sept 15) but apparently "Sept 15" was really confusing to my current roommate for some reason because she offered to try to find someone for Sept 1 "if that's what you want." Um, no, I'll still be living here on Sept 1..because that date happens before Sept 15. But this is the girl who texted me to let me know that she couldn't find my phone when it was lost... so why am I surprised? I decided to email her yesterday (we never see each other in the apt.) to let her know what time we were planning on moving my shit on the 15th to give them an opportunity to either hole themselves up in their bedroom or flee the county and to reinforce the date, thereby relieving some stress. No response of course. Stress remains unrelieved. I have these nightmares that some girl from Kentucky is gonna show up at my door with all her stuff on Sept 1 and the painfully exhausting argument that would ensue.

Thankfully Jason came down to take me out to a really nice dinner and I really did have a good time but I was so irritated/stressed about the events/overreactions from earlier in the day that I was finding it hard to 100% enjoy the experience. The bottom line is that I want to feel comfortable in my own home and the closer we get to Sept 15, the more anxious I'm becoming about it. Also, it proves that my job is still ridiculous no matter how many times it threatens to be almost tolerable.

This fine morning, Jason and I decided he would drive my car up to his house because I need to use it this weekend but I have to leave work early on Friday to make it up to Baltimore in time for an early dinner. So instead of sitting in all that traffic on Friday, I'll just take the train and my car will already be there! Viola. Except that when I turned the car on for him to drop me off at the metro this morning, I used my keychain instead of the spare car key. So I left for work and Jason drove up to Baltimore with ALL OF MY KEYS. Sigh. His parents just drove all the way down from Baltimore to my office to drop them off to me. Way way nicer than they had to be. But I am hugely thankful.

Tonight I'm going out with one of my best friends from college for my birthday. Hopefully the craziness is done. I'm tired. I just want to have a nice night and be done with it. Jeez!

That was a long bitch-session. Apologies.

Good Luck?

A bird just poo-ed on me. That's good luck right? Or is it only messy?

I'm expecting a response from these MICA grad program people telling me its not too late to sign up for their online information session tonight at 7. We'll see, if bird poo is truly lucky, these MICA people will be nice.

In other news, I think I want to get a sugar glider or two when Jason and I move in to our new apartment. They're small and clean (because they're not rodents, they're marsupials) so good for a small apartment space. AND they're as smart as dogs. So you can train them to know their name and come to you. What's more! They become intensely attached to their human family and will walk around with you in your pocket the whole time you're home! They basically sound like the best combination of a dog's friendship, a cat's low maintenance, and a hamster's size! Let the research ensue. I've already picked names. Dobby and Kreacher—due to 1) their size and 2) their loyalty. Win.

Speed-Bumps

So we didn't get the apartment we wanted. As anticipated, the lady decided to collect 1 million applications and then choose, I don't know who she chose, the super-credit people or something to actually award the place to. Instead of the nice young couple who showed up 10 minutes before the open house ecstatic about the idea of possibly living in a place we already know and love. Whatever. Am I bitter? Yes.

In the same evening of this discovery, Jason got off work at 4 to drive down here and I left work at 4:45 to begin my metro journey to another place for a tour. Our appointment was at 5:30 because apparently these apartment complexes don't like anyone who works full-time to be able to visit. They all close super early and then have shit times on the weekend. Well of course, being in DC at rush hour, we got delayed (we had to drive even after the metro). We got to the place at 6 on the dot which is when they officially close. They refused to show us around. Infuriating. Now, I can't really explain the reason for just how angry I became, especially because we would have inevitably decided not to live there even if we DID tour. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get there from work. If I wanted to commute that long, I'd just live in Baltimore where the apartments are exponentially cheaper. But the fact that we had come so far and that I had even called to let them know we were still coming and we really couldn't come any other time because we both work, on top of the already frustrating process this whole apartment search has been, on top of the fact that I hate my current place SO MUCH, I just lost it. And I defaulted to my worst personality flaw: when I get mad, I cry—completely negating any powerful or assertive attitude I previously displayed. So here I am, in the car on the way out, sobbing like an idiot about a place I didn't even want to live.

This morning, I told Jason that he's up. I'm passing off the baton, as it were (I've been watching a LOT of Olympics). I can't do it anymore. We already have the place I talked about before. If he wants to stay there, fine. If he wants to apply to one of the two other feasible places we saw, fine. If he wants to comb craigslist some more, fine. I've checked out. And I feel a little bit bad about it. But apparently, exactly one month is all I can stand when it comes to finding apartments in/near DC.

Watching the Olympics, I saw a piece about Michael Phelps, an athlete who I don't even particularly like because I think he's a bit of an ass, that pulled me back into reality a bit. It was about how his coach would routinely throw unexpectedly awful things at him to help him cope with unforeseen speed-bumps. And it clicked. That's my problem. I've noticed it before but I've never done anything about it. I can schedule myself to within seconds of my life but I fall apart the second something unforeseen happens. I HATE (like, unconsolable anger) when my plans don't work out how I PLANNED THEM TO and that's a thing I need to get over. Because the amount of times I encounter a perfectly flowing schedule compared to the amount of times that something, however small, might throw a wrench into those plans is a very uneven ratio.

And I have been favoring the wrong side all along.

45 days until Sept. 15.

One Goal at a Time

Apartment: If nothing else, we will be in a new apartment by Sept 15. We applied to a decent place and were approved yesterday. We're still waiting on answers from a few others and visiting a few more this week but if NOTHING else comes through, we're at least content with this place. It got awful ratings on apartmentratings.com which concerns me... but Jason says (and I agree with him) that you have to take at least some of those complaints with a grain of salt. People will find complaints about any place, however nice. I would just love for that approval percent to be much higher than it is (18%)... I don't want to be surprised by roaches or huge utility bills just when I think I've finally gotten away from any apartment grievances.

CPT: Jason and I crunched some numbers yesterday in terms of scheduling. Seems as though we really don't have all that much time to study for this thing haha. Sigh. We're going to schedule our test for either Jan 4 or Jan 11 which means we have to be plugging through the chapters of these books way faster than we thought. 6 months apparently is not a lot of time. Whew knew!?

So these two large time-sucks have made me realize that I have to be more selective about the way in which I choose to spend my time post work/Aikido. After the centaur completion, I have to be way more selective about what kinds of freelance work I choose to commit to. I don't want to get burnt out doing things that I actually want to do.

So my new motto is one-goal-at-a-time. Even if it's on a smaller scale, as in, one goal per day or one goal during lunch, thinking about too many things at one time is getting me no where.

Also, GO OLYMPICS!!

My Second Blog

I know it's a pain in the ass to read more than one blog for one person. However, if you ARE interested, I'll be posting less personal stuff on my website blog (moniquecucchi.com) from now on...starting with the following post about books!

Post About Books!

Five Year Plan

I hated that phrase in college. Especially when everyone in the world asked me about mine and was shocked to discover that I, in fact, didn't have one. Well after countless years of guessing and avoiding, I think I've finally committed to one. Once I finally got over the fact that a "five-year plan" doesn't actually mean "the-rest-of-my-life plan" I think I was subconsciously more comfortable with creating some sort of concrete path to follow for at least a little while.

So here goes.

It's best to first mention some goals here. Based on my current life trajectory I've learned a few things. In ten years time, if I continue down this road, I will be creatively stagnant, broke, and fat. These are bad things. Enter 5 year plan:

1) Take the next 6 months to become a Certified Personal Trainer. With this certification, I can supplement my current income doing something active and interpersonal because, hopefully, personal training allows for more part-time opportunities. Sitting in one chair for 9 hours a day is brutal. Aikido is a good outlet. But if I could earn some extra money while doing something active on top of Aikido, all the better. Following that, I'll get myself into a gym and try to make some sort of consistent part time gig happen.

2) After establishing myself at a gym, I will begin preparing my portfolio for MICA's MFA in Illustration Practice. I have more research to do in this area but everything seems to be telling me that it's a good idea. On top of the MFA, if you play your cards right, you can walk out of there with a certificate to teach art at the collegiate level. That would be a nice fall-back option for later on if Illustration jobs are hard to come by.

3) Personal training will be a good asset at that time because MICA's program is 2 years full-time so I would need a job that allows me to work part time. Unfortunately, my current job would probably be unrealistic to continue with while in school. Training could be a great way to make the money I need to live in the most flexible way possible.

This is the ideal. Let's see how close I can get to making it a reality. It's the first time in a long time that I've figured out quantitatively and qualitatively what I can/want to be doing to move myself toward a happier existence. If nothing else, I'll walk away with a lot more knowledge and a much broader experience.

If it turns out that personal training is what I love, I might end up transitioning into that full time as well! I just don't see myself completely abandoning art. I'd love to make it my career but if training works better as a career leaving art open for freelance or personal projects, so be it. At least I'll be more active and less stir crazy in my full-time existence.

Here's to hoping!

I Survived!

So I survived. And it really wasn't that bad. It definitely hurt but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Honestly, the worst part was that because of the way I had to lay down to get it done (on my back with my arm suspended on some external table accessory) my fingers got numb really early on.

Otherwise, the guy was totally nice and AWESOME and I'm very happy with the tattoo! Now I just have to nurse it back to health and we're done!!

The ACTUAL worst part was the anticipation. The train got me into Glen Burnie a little early so we stopped by Wendy's and I got a frosty and fries just to stifle the hunger and have something in my stomach for the imminent pain. All day, my anxiety went through a flip-flop between complacency/patience and a feeling I chose to describe as the Incredible Hulk squeezing my stomach in his fist as hard as he could. Obviously the scale tipped more and more toward the hulk the closer we got to go-time.

Jason wasn't allowed in the room with me for "insurance reasons" but I think it may have been for the best because I was able to just zone out a bit and lose focus. Plus, I didn't want to look like a loser in front of these crazy tattoo dudes so I was keeping it together well I thought. But really, once you feel the pain in all areas of the tattoo (because it definitely differs based on the location), you learn what to expect and you get used to it. It hurts but your arm is not about to fall off nor is anything bad even happening to it. So that confidence really helps.

All in all it took about two hours and I was outta there! Then we drove around to like 3 different places looking for the specific lotion he recommended.

SUCCESS.

Tattoo Day! Ahh!

So today is the day I get my tattoo. And I'm terrified. And excited. But mostly anxious. I just want it to be done.

I hate having monumental things happen late in the day because you have to endure the ENTIRE day thinking about it. It's so much better when the thing happens at like 6am and then you're good! Just bask in the glory of whatever happened for the rest of the day—big sighs of relief, eat tasty food, etc.

So basically, I'm going to try to pour myself into work as much as possible to take my mind off it. I'm buying some empanadas for lunch today from a place I've never been to. That should keep me occupied for a little while. Like a good Italian or dog—food keeps me happy for at least as long as it's in front of me. There are some other projects on the horizon (including building the lower half of a centaur for a movie, haha) that could use some brain power/planning. Perhaps when the empanadas run out at lunch, the centaur puzzle can fill the void. Otherwise, I'll just try to cram as much work as possible into the abbreviated work day. An idle mind wanders.

I've spent enough time fretting over how much this is going to hurt. It's only 2 hours. Can't be worse than child-birth. So if I ever plan to have kids, I better just suck it up and take this tattoo pain like a champ.

Pictures to come!

Everything is Expired!

In one day, these are the things that I have encountered that are expired/finished.

I ate half a piece of cornbread this morning before I noticed the mold on/in it.
I ate a salad for lunch that was probably 2ish days past awesomeness.
The sell-by date on the milk in my fridge is 6/12.
I ate pretzels left out in the sun all day yesterday.
I bit into a pear and discovered mealy-ness and an INTERNAL brown spot. We're not talking bruise here people, we're talking rotting from the inside out.
I had nothing to cook for dinner so i decided to cook ramen noodles—ALSO EXPIRED! How can ramen expire?! Apparently the powdery noodles get oily and gross.. That's how. So I made plain pasta....with no meatballs, gravy, or sauce of any kind.
Even my ADVIL is expired (for over a year, I might add...)

The only things that tasted correct today came out of a box or wrapper.

Time to go shopping.
Sigh.

It's UP!!

It's finally up! My new website. It took way longer than I anticipated so the feeling is one of sweet, sweet victory. I'm sure I'll be tweaking for the better part of forever but without further ado, welcome to sexy website:

www.moniquecucchi.com

I Haven't Forgotten About Blogging

I've actually been simultaneously working on/neglecting several personal projects on top of going to Aikido 3 days a week, Kickball once a week, and traveling on weekends. Sigh.

The next big accomplishment will almost certainly be the completion of my new website. I got very close to having a new one up when I decided that I didn't like the theme enough and chose to enter the world of third-party WordPress themes. It's a big, scary world but I found my match, bought it, and am in the process of re-building with a new, sexier theme. My plan is to finish by June 1. Website, Business Card, and a few ancillary freelance projects. If all goes according to plan. I'm not really giving myself an option. I HAVE to get this shit done because I have some other projects (learning French, my new art series [detailed below], P90X2) that have to begin in June. Lots of ideas brewing. If I don't tackle them in 2s and 3s, I'll never accomplish anything.

In a last-ditch effort to continue with the Costume Design major I have neglected since college, I've recently taken on an assistant design job with one of my college costume teachers. A sort of surrealist/abstract play about the Japanese writer Yukio Mishima. It's called A Fierce Longing. Until I began this process, I hadn't heard of him but I mentioned the project at the dojo today and wasn't surprised at all when I got a "Mishima! He was crazy but I read all of his stuff" response from more than one fellow student/instructor. It was so expected-to-the-point-of-stereotypical that I almost laughed, actually. Quick turnaround. First performance is June 1 so I'll be doing a lot of online research and shopping within the next few weeks.

Work has been remarkably relaxing lately (knocking on every wooden surface I own). I'm extremely ahead thus far in preparations for the Summer Guide. I anticipate a huge change in pace in about 2 weeks but hopefully all of the front-loading I've been doing recently will help me avoid the utter Hell that usually accompanies an approaching pub-date. One can hope.

Last but not least, I've determined that I'm going to start a new art series. I'm going to research mythical creatures somewhat extensively and create drawings of each creature using a combination of their mythical descriptions/interpretations from varying cultures—based on what I think will look most-awesome. I think this choice makes me a nerd. I feel like I should buy tickets to a convention where I show up dressed as some fantastical character or something following this choice, but I also think that these drawings have the potential to be highly-detailed and probably pretty damn cool. We'll see. I have to actually get around to it. I'm doing a phoenix first.

SUPER last, I've been having a good time reading Pottermore. The background info is very interesting (in my completely biased opinion) and the interactivity is enough to keep you occupied when you don't want to read a huge chunk of text. I was placed in Gryffindor. Despite the fact that I was expecting Ravenclaw, I'm very pleased with the result. I prefer Gryffindor honestly. And I'm talking about this like it's real... but I can't help it. I love HP so damn much.

One Hour

I'm continuously amazed by both how much and how little one can accomplish in an hour. A one-hour lunch break can either feel like 1 second or 3 days depending on what you're doing.

Today, my lunch-break intention was to work on some freelance illustrations while sitting in the sun. Drawing always tends to make time seem infinitesimally small so these lunch breaks are generally pretty "short." However, as soon as I walked to the circle and sat down in the grass (it was 88 degrees today!), I realized that I forgot a pencil. Damn. I only had pens and markers, which weren't going to serve my purpose. So it was time to improvise. I decided to continue sketching ideas for my tattoo (an imprecise science at this point so pen was more than sufficient). After getting pretty much nowhere and finding that sitting in the grass in a dress was more itchy than comfortable, I decided to get up and go to Starbucks. The pleasantly gay man behind the counter told me I was wearing a "hot dress." I thanked him, got myself a coffee flavored frap, and ventured back outside because there is NEVER available seating in Starbucks. Never. I found The Phillips Collection! I knew it was close but never actually pursued looking for it. I concluded that I'll go visit the art there at some point this week when I'm not holding a drippy Starbucks beverage. I then pulled over in a shady spot to sit on the railing outside The Phillips Collection where another pleasant man yelled out his car window "Looks like you got the best seat in town!" Warm weather makes people friendly—and flirty—and most of all, happy.

When I decided that I was finished with the best seat in town, I strolled toward my office, taking a detour down the lesser-trafficked streets (so as to avoid the excessive honking) and took another side-of-the-road pit stop against a soot-covered brick wall where I finished my frappucino. Then I stumbled upon the used bookstore underneath my office. I try not to look at their sidewalk sales too hard because my "books-to-read" list is way longer than I can handle right now. Buuut, I had some extra time so I decided to peruse. Of course, one of them caught my eye (because I DO judge books by their covers) and I bought it. "The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman." It was $2, come on. Apparently it's a rather unconventional coming of age story about a 13 year old boy named Thomas Penman who finds companionship in strange places while pursuing the girl he loves and learning some hard life lessons. I'm pretty excited to read it...once I finish A Feast for Crows (only about 20% left!) and A Dance with Dragons.

Sigh...

Magic Part Deux

Last night I watched Silence of the Lambs from about an hour into the movie to the end—at which point it started over and I continued to watch the first hour. Once I was convinced that I had seen the movie in its entirety (albeit out of order), I moved on to Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives. Within the first 5 minutes of watching the show, Guy Fieri makes a reference to the lotion scene in Silence of the Lambs ("It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again") while making meatballs in Virginia Beach...magic.

Why didn't I win that multi-million dollar lottery? This coincidental pop culture shit is getting me nowhere.

Comparisons

Do you find yourself comparing your own life to someone else's? I didn't need to ask. You do. We all do. Some do it more than others—some do it way too much. It's human. Disney wouldn't write a song about it if it weren't true (Under the Sea).

Facebook is a really great way to do this haha. I find myself fishing through Facebook profiles of people I barely know anymore comparing their lives to my own and deciding whether I like theirs better. Well it dawned on me today as I perused three very different profiles just how warped this practice is. Usually, these comparisons only encompass one aspect of life. I'll look at the supermodel friend and think, "Wow, I wish I could dress like that all the time." or the hippie-adventurer friend and say "Wow, I wish I could live out in nature all the time with such a carefree attitude." or the successful business-tycoon friend and think, "Wouldn't it be nice to have so much money?" But what I forget is that each of these people can look at the others and think the same damn thing. That girl who looks like a supermodel everyday probably doesn't have the time or interest to do grungy things like hike through a rainforest in a Central American country or serve on a ship in Africa. Those adventurers probably have limited knowledge of the ever evolving corporate metropolises that the business-tycoon-friend has. The business tycoon with all the money probably has too much stress and pollution pumping through his veins to consider building a modest family. The very young single mothers have little idea of what it's like to be rich and relaxed but they have a greater understanding of responsibility and survival than others.

I'm not really trying to make a point here. Just observing. The grass is always greener... Personally, I think I'd like to try a little of everything. How will you know if "their" life is cooler than yours if you don't try it? Maybe it is cooler and you discover that you've been sitting around wasting your time living in a way that you hate. Maybe it's more glamorous than it looks and you'll be glad to go back to your own life. Well-roundedness is under-appreciated these days. I think it starts when society forces 17 year olds to choose what they want to do for the rest of their lives by telling them to choose a major in college right away. Until that point, kids have had no time or independence to do things on their own. Why pigeonhole them the second they have the opportunity to step out on their own? Where is the grace period in which you can try things out and discover what you want out of life?

I'm Going to Learn French

The single reason I am not working for Cirque du Soleil is that I don't speak fluent French. The design aesthetic of Cirque du Soleil is the culmination of everything I find beautiful. It's quirky, elegant, and powerful all at once. Every time Cirque pushes its way back into the forefront of my memory, I flirt with the idea of designing for them in some way. And then life gets in the way. That is always my excuse though. Life gets in the way. I'm going to keep making excuses until I'm dead if I don't get off my ass and do something. I have a good, solid job now. There is no deadline for this project—so I should have enough time to complete it to PERFECTION.

I'm saving up for a Rosetta Stone starting now—I'm going to go home and budget for it. Also, all artwork I do for myself from here on out will be in order to build a portfolio that will get my foot in the door.

It's about time I added another goal to my To-Do List. Eventually, I'd love to have a job that satisfies my creative self. Otherwise, I should have studied science. I'd be making a hell of a lot more money.

Even if this whole thing doesn't work out and I never work for Cirque (that rhymes), I'll still be bilingual. And that is completely fine with me. More of an excuse to go to France.

Any ideas on how to get really good at speaking another language? I hear nothing but good things about Rosetta Stone and while it does carry a hefty price tag, it's got to be less expensive than its equivalent in college courses, right?

I'm Magic

I find that strange coincidences happen to me fairly often—more often than the average person. I like to refer to it as a magical power. It's not. But I'm going to continue to call it magic, ok? So deal.

Recently they've been all about music. Three have happened within like 2 weeks. Let me elaborate.

1) I enjoy that new song by Gavin DeGraw "Not Over You" so I was singing it in my head all day a few weeks ago. One day it was PARTICULARLY stuck in my head—like to the point of it being annoying. On my way home from Aikido, I was again singing it in my head and decided once I got into my car to start singing it out loud. I started from the beginning of the song while turning the key to the ignition. When the radio kicked in, the song was playing in the EXACT same place I was currently singing—to the word! I don't think it was that odd that the song was playing on the radio in the first place because it's popular at the moment but the same word!? Magic.

2) This weekend, Jason and I went out with his brother and some friends for St. Patrick's Day and proceeded to get beer spilled all over us (to be expected). Jason was wearing a white shirt, however, and was sad to find when he got home that there were nasty beer stains all over it. So I asked him the next morning if he had any Shout because it's good to put on if you can't wash the shirt right away and he said no. So I starting singing that Tears for Fears song "Shout. Shout. Let it all ouuut." When was the last time you heard that song? If your answer wasn't "years ago," then clearly you are a Tears for Fears freak because no one has heard that song in forever. Well, we were walking around in antique stores a few hours later and it came on the radio!!! WHAT?! Magic.

3) Grooveshark introduced me to Birdy last week and since then I've been listening to her a lot. She's 15 and British and awesome. So I told my dad about her because I thought he'd like her music. Well don't ya know, my dad called me to tell me she was on Ellen yesterday while he was watching! Now, mind you, her first CD made its US debut yesterday so it's not weird that she was here, but of all the shows to be on, it was Ellen!! The only talk show my dad watches! A day or 2 after I told him to listen to her! Slightly less magic—but still magic.

Ok maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills here but I think this pretty much means that I should quit my day-job and become a pop star. Basically, that's what I think this is telling me.

Accomplishments

In reading about Blythe's accomplishments, I thought I'd share a few of mine own (I read too much GRRM; I have been speaking in Lords and Ladies far too much to be considered sane - for the record, I do not have a twin brother with whom I am in love).

That aside - back on topic..

Work has been... interesting...as of late. We are a tiny tiny company with, dare I say, a bit too much ambition for the mental sanity of our employees. In an effort to keep those employees who seem as though they would be valuable to have around, my employers have found it in their hearts and wallets to grant us 2 consecutive Fridays off. For this, I am EXTREMELY grateful. February was tough - this is a very nice way to start March and the beautiful weather. It certainly feels like a rebirth - a chance to start over - leave shitty February behind and move on to March. A new month. New weather. A new Aikido rank (hopefully) at the end of the month. Things are lookin' up!

So, that being said, I thought perhaps it was time to start editing my website. It's old, elementarily coded by myself (not a web virtuoso), and sorely neglected. So I thought maybe I'd just try to get something going with a WordPress theme. So far so good - I've made decent progress. I wish that some things were a bit more customizable than they currently are or that I knew enough about code to override it. But as a means of getting my work online and having an outlet for professional blogging, I think it's a good start. I'll post it here and on Facebook when I feel as though it's sophisticated enough to be seen by other eyes.

ALSO - I finally got a MD license (not to completely copy Blythe's accomplishments). Dealing with DMVs (or MVAs if you're in MD - different letters do not make you any less irritating) is a maddening task. Maddening. I'm glad it's over. Although, personally, I think PA licenses are much more aesthetically pleasing. The only cool thing about a MD license is the crab in the corner.

Overall I feel like things are going well for the time being. Sunny weather, things to do, job to pay the bills, some well-deserved time off—I really can't complain. Time to use this positive energy to get something done and to do something for me. The problem is that I have SO MANY ideas of things I want to do that I have to prioritize or I'll get nothing done. I'll just sit around starting everything without considering the time it takes to finish something. AH!

I'm gonna make a list.

Yes.

Art Stores

Today I somewhat unexpectedly found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Welcome, but off-putting because I wasn't entirely prepared for it. (I'm at Jason's apt without a car and forgot that he was working a wedding today). So I thought, "now would be a great time to do something creative!!" And then promptly was void of all ideas.

So I decided to walk to a nearby art store for inspiration/materials (all of mine are at my own apartment). I STILL haven't done anything. I just don't know what to do!! And I have to say that not having my huge array of art supplies at my fingertips is proving to be a challenge as well. But I will say that I greatly enjoyed my trip to Plaza. I love art stores so much. I bought two 11x14 drawing pads of higher quality paper (to encourage myself to make some nice, finished drawings) that were on SALE for like 6 bucks a piece (very cheap), an eraser pencil, a purple pen, and a brick eraser. Eclectic combination of things but I couldn't bring myself to purchase something that I know I already own so I was left with a few random things haha. Only to come back and find that Jason doesn't even have a pencil sharpener here!! Killing me... oy.

A little while ago Jason emailed me about an illustration contest that Threadless was putting on so perhaps I'll tackle that. Gives me a bit more direction to get myself going while I try to figure out what I want to do with myself in the future. Jason and I were discussing aesthetics last night following our viewing of the most recent episode of Face/Off (love that show). Their challenge next week is to make a Tim Burton inspired character, which is AWESOME, because that aesthetic, if I had to choose, would probably be my favorite. Creepy but beautiful. Jason used the word "Crooked" to describe it. I love that! So I'm trying to think of something that showcases the "Crooked Beauty" I love so much. A clothing line called "Crooked Beauty"? An art collection based on the idea of crooked beauty? I don't know. That's where I'm stumped. But I'm definitely going to do some more brainstorming today. This is the most inspired I've been in quite a while. I don't want to waste it.

On Art and Social Commentary

I find that I have an awful lot to say about the world on any given day. How I think people are stupid, WHY I think people are stupid, ways I think people can learn to shake their stupidity, etc. I talk about these things incessantly to anyone who will listen as though I'm the world's next Confucius or something but I never do anything about it. I just push around hot air. I also like to make art and have, for some time, been longing to make art for art's sake - art because I WANT to, not because it pays my bills. So why have I never considered an art project in which I make some sort of social commentary? Isn't that what "real" artists do? I mean, I guess Van Gogh was sort of a "paint whatever the hell I want" kind of guy but mostly, don't artists have something they're trying to say with their work? The good ones anyway... When does an artist transition from making art that is pretty to making art that is meaningful? Some have been doing it all their lives - throwing paint on the paper in some adolescent revolt against "the man" or something else that they only moderately understand at the age of 16. Some, like me, chose the technical route as a child in which you soak up as much info as possible on HOW to make the art in some kind of preparation for the "real" artistic process later on. Ok, so I know how to make art - but what now? I often say that although I have a job in my "major," I don't feel artistically satisfied. What will change that? A hobby? A new job? I think I need to find some answers first and foremost but since brooding over it in my mind hasn't really been supplying the answers, maybe it's time for action. That doesn't mean I'm going to up and quit my job - HAHA - no. But I think I really need to start saying no to some of these mind-numbing freelance projects and start working toward something. Something meaningful. Something that I can put in a portfolio and feel proud of regardless of someone else's opinion because it is totally mine and exists exactly in the way I intended it to.

Rereading this sort of makes me sound like Dr. Frankenstein. I doubt I'm going to make an oversized cadaver walk around town... but I am starting to feel like a corporate drone. An artist should never feel like a corporate drone. We are the anti-corporate-drone, right? We are the thinkers - the feelers - the doers. So why am I stuck in a routine that discourages all of that?

It's my choice. I choose to be where I am. I can choose to change it.

Why are Customer Support lines always terrible?

I mean, why do they even exist if calling them with the notion of getting your problem solved is nothing but false hope? There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, people. Sometimes, you have to account for those exceptions and give your robots with skin some direction on how to interact with other human beings.

It must be that all the intelligent people have fallen into other, more interesting jobs leaving the unintelligent assholes to man the phone lines. Was that offensive? Good. Because I was offended by my doctor's office rep telling me to "calm down" today on the phone when all I did was tell her what SHE did wrong. GOD, the NERVE of some people.

If steam could ACTUALLY come out of a person's ears, there would be steam emanating from mine right now.

Things Are Never as Bad as They Seem

Now, let's get this straight right from the get-go. I still continually struggle with a crippling amount of stress and worry over seemingly pointless things on a day to day basis. But certain things lately have proven to me yet again what I already know to be true in the back of my mind regardless of whether or not I put it into practice: things are never as bad as they seem.

I find that as a species, human beings have a knack for taking a situation that is fairly normal and twisting it into this god-awful conundrum in their minds when really, if faced head on at the start or if considered in a less-dramatic way, it should really be a non-issue. Sweeping generalization I know - I'd get points taken off an essay for a statement like that but I think this one is actually true of most people regardless of how many claim to be "laid back." I don't know. Maybe I'm coloring the world through my own technicolor lenses and this really only affects me. I just feel like there are so many things I stress out about that I know are STUPID and I have really been actively attempting to stop. I think just flat-out being aware of it is a step in the right direction and is probably more beneficial than I am giving myself credit for.

I'm also getting a tattoo to remind myself of this. I haven't decided the specifics yet but I've been mulling it over in my mind since July and I haven't even once thought that perhaps it wasn't a good idea since then so I think it proves that the decision has already been made. "Fear Cuts Deeper Than Swords." What with all the Game of Thrones craze these days it sort of makes me feel like a sell-out but I started reading the books because of a recommendation from a friend before the HBO series came out so I think of it less as a social phenomenon and more of a replacement for the hole that Harry Potter left after re-reading the books yet again and seeing the completion of the movies. Huge digression... Basically, when I read that phrase for the very first time, I thought - wow, that's pretty true. What makes one person able to complete a difficult and dangerous task when another fails? Optimists call it courage. But what is courage - the anti-fear. I think saying to someone "Be courageous" or "be brave" suggests a super-human mindset in which a person become valiant and triumphs above some evil adversity. I think a more down-to-earth suggestion that holds the same weight would be "do not be afraid." When you are aware of the fact that there IS fear or a possibility thereof, I think you're better equipped to analyse WHY it is you are afraid and ultimately find it pointless. Thus negating the fear altogether.

Easier said than done though.

Hello Again

I will reserve the time for a truly updated post shortly. For now, here is my attempt to at least jump start a new wave of updates.

I wonder if there will ever be a 6 month lag in updates where I can truly say "Nothing much has changed since we last spoke." Then again, I almost like the ever-changing aspect of my life at the moment.

A few highlights of the last 6 months ("Highlights" meaning "headlines" moreso than "good things"):

-- Job - I have a job in my field that pays me a salary on which I can live presumably comfortably in the DC area - the most expensive goddamn place next to NYC or LA in my opinion.

Does that mean I like it? Not necessarily. I wouldn't use the words like or love to describe it. However, it's certainly providing me with a shit-ton of experience that will be very, very good for my portfolio. And in all truthfulness, it could be much worse. I just am a little baffled by the sheer amount of stress I go through to produce a visitors guide for DC. I make a VISITORS GUIDE BOOK so that the Johnson family from Ohio can come to DC and know where to eat dinner after seeing their favorite monument. I should not be this stressed out. There are plenty of things that could be done to ensure my lack of stress but unfortunately those things lie beyond my control. So for now, my work life tends to fluctuate like the tides. Low tide, I have peaceful days with no one in the office to do my thing at my own pace. High tide is a fucking nightmare. Our standard 9 hour days become 11 hour days with no lunch or dinner break and let me say it one more time - this is all because of a VISITORS GUIDE. I'm sorry. That kind of work does not deserve such high levels of stress. It's ridiculous.

-- Apartment - Do we remember the "All I want is to live alone and have a cat." conversation? Well let me tell you how that played out. I split a 2 bedroom apartment 3 ways with a couple I found on Craigslist because it's the only way I can afford to live somewhere in/near DC that struck me as safe. They have a cat. So I got what I wanted in a way, right? Well...a very twisted way. I am a neat freak. I made no attempt at hiding this when searching for apartments/roommates. They apparently do not share my sentiments. So I live in a place where I'm constantly cleaning up after other peoples' kitchen mess and HIDING my own fucking kitchen supplies in my BEDROOM so that they won't get broken. Also, I write my name on all my food now so that it doesn't get eaten because, although I was unaware that this can happen, my roommates "do not remember" what they buy at the store. Really? Really? STRIKE - not a good apartment choice. Also, the cat is annoyingly needy and the roommates don't clean her litter enough - which just so happens to be in the kitchen. Yeah. The sad part is that they're actually really nice people so as much as I want to blow up and say "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I can't because then I'll look like the asshole.

-- Aikido - the one always-positive aspect of my daily routine. I have started studying martial arts again. It's a Japanese form called Aikido that uses the attacker's own energy to counter their attack and put them on the ground. It's the same form that Stephen (Steven? - Don't care enough to look it up) Segal is trained in. The people at the dojo are really nice and supportive and it's a good way to exercise while simultaneously working toward something. The only downfall is that it is pretty expensive and they want even more money to participate in their weapons program - something I'd have really loved to be a part of if I could afford it. But since I'm pretty much fed up with my apartment and car (with its strange heating issues), I'm trying to save every spare dollar for a house and a new car - whichever I find necessity in first.

-- Jason - always a source of calm and comfort in my otherwise turbulent and ever-changing life. I'm lucky to have him. No one else will listen to me complain for as long as he will, haha. We went to Vegas for vacation in October. More on that in a subsequent post including some photos (we took a day trip to The Grand Canyon that was amazing!).