April 19, 8:51am, Eastern Standard Time, from here on in I shoot without a script

Pardon my Rent reference.

I wasn't going to write a post this morning. I thought about it on the way down here to work and decided against it on the grounds that I should be doing work instead of pondering my life. I also vowed that I wouldn't waste time on Facebook. Forty-five minutes of Facebook stalking and blog reading under my belt, here I sit. Updating. Because of what Blythe's blog stirred up haha.

I'll summarize what I commented there (which may have gotten lost in cyberspace because it didn't show up after I submitted it) even though the two of you are the only ones who read this. I'll summarize for any potential stalkers because I think it would be exciting to have a secret reader. Anyway, enough of my dreams. I was thinking about how the prospect of graduation is affecting me. Let me give bullet points:

1) Into the Woods just ended. I miss the cast. I didn't even get to hang out with them. It's weird. I don't like it and I feel like it's bothering me more than it should.
2) Why? Probably because I will never see these people again in a month's time. It's so weird. I think that's my biggest problem with it. They will just be acquaintances I once did a play with. I have a big aversion to losing friends and growing apart from people. I feel like I want to hold on to people who have positively interacted with me forever. I realize that it isn't possible and it bothers me.
3) Now that the show is over, I have a lot of work to do to get the hell out of here - despite how much it scares me to get the hell out of here. So much work to do in fact that it makes me not want to care about any of it because it is just so stressful. Do I need a break? I don't think so. I think I need a vacation. Time away from everything and everyone that has been floating around in my brain for the past few weeks. It's too crowded in my brain right now.

Things that are stressing me out/exciting me/going to shape my future:

1) SCHOOL WORK - tons of it. I got behind during Into the Woods and wasn't able to fully catch up last week because I was so sick. But Monique, you are graduating in a month, why are you so stressed out? Just pass your classes and move on. Right? Wrong. I need A's. Why? Because...
2) I'm one of 6 finalists for Valedictorian which I am SO excited about but it's SO MUCH pressure. Before, I got A's because I wanted to. Now, I HAVE to get A's if I want this. The interview is this Thursday. I'll be interviewing in front of like 5 doctors. It's so strange. I'm not even nervous. Just concerned that I have no idea at ALL what they're going to be asking me. Unlike my...
3) Job interviews - well internship interviews. I, as I believe I said already, have managed to secure a summer internship. Whoo! Good. Now I am about to go in for my second round of interviews to be a Production Apprentice at a theatre called Imagination Stage in Bethesda, MD. These interviews are no surprise. "Why do you want to work here?" "What are your skills?" "Why is theatre important?" But what the hell are they going to ask at a VALEDICTORIAN interview? "Why are you better than the 4000 people you are graduating with?" How am I supposed to answer that?

And the surprising part is that I haven't even been feeling that stressed out. Not until today when I tried to figure out why I'm feeling so weird and out of sorts. I just felt like something isn't right and I couldn't put my finger on it. I tried blaming it on weird things but when I stepped back, I think I'm freaking out a lot more about all of these things than I thought I was. I think I'm just like psychologically imploding - as opposed to my usual psychological explosion during these times. Does that make sense? Instead of blowing up and having a nervous breakdown about all of the due dates and obligations, I'm just shutting down from the inside. Slowly, quietly, and discretely. It's a strange feeling.

Not that I am making it any better by sitting here writing in this blog instead of working on some of my projects to lighten my load a bit...

Instead of Doing That Which I'm Supposed To

Well, well, well. It's been a while, hasn't it? I knew this would happen. Oh well. Lot's of things have changed since we last spoke (yes I realize that I am talking as if this inanimate website is a person with which I converse.) (Also, on a complete side note, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan just came on Pandora and made my morning).

Aaaaanywho, let's see.

Today is my one year anniversary! Crazy. It doesn't feel like a year. Years seem very short these days. I feel that this is a byproduct of aging and I don't like it. I much prefer the time when a school year seemed like an eternity, not a blink. School is about to end. Forever. I don't think I like it. I'm not sure though. I mean, I love the idea of being able to come home from work and not necessarily have any obligations. I realize this is not completely true because artists are always working but it will be much better. No "homework." I'm really looking forward to that. However, I've been so good at school for so long that it is a scary thought to now embark on something other. Weird.

I have a summer internship though! At the Wolf Trap Foundation for the Performing Arts in Vienna, VA (20 mins out of DC). Now I just have to find a place to live for the summer that is cheap enough to maintain on my tiny salary. I also have an interview for a season long internship at Imagination Stage in Bethesda, MD on Thursday the 15th. Crazy. I haven't heard back yet from some of the other internships I applied to. And then there is still the matter of applying to Graphic Design jobs which I haven't done yet. Ugh. I just hate having to think about the future when I have assignments due tomorrow. It's so stressful. It's moments like those that make me long for the end of school.

I don't even know what I want to do with myself. I can speculate and I can go through the motions of doing whatever I end up with but I just can't decide. There isn't one thing that I can honestly say that I want to do for the rest of my life. And I hate that I feel like I have to decide like RIGHT NOW. I don't really; I know that. But sometimes I feel like I do. People just have such high expectations. Sometimes, I wish I had a moment to breathe and take it all in before I am forced to act. A moment of thoughtfulness could go a long way in decision making. And I like being busy! I just hate feeling out of control (like I do right now). However, the line between those two things is getting very thin.

It's a scary time.