I'm tired.
The new job...I have to address it so I might as well get to it now. I threw myself into it thinking it was going to be this deus ex machina of a vocation that would leave me loving every second of my life. Sadly, that's not exactly how it's panned out. It's tough. The hours are long. And while I can honestly say the day-to-day activities are overall less mind-numbing than the last job, this one leaves me painfully stressed out. The simple fact that I spend SO MANY HOURS there is killing me softly. (Lots of Saturdays in a row due to various events/youth classes in addition to over time hours almost every day). It's interesting because the one thing I had definitely considered but hadn't given enough thought to was how drastically my opinion of the place would change. I began Aikido at a time when my job was stressful and unsatisfying and my home life was more dramatic than a Lifetime movie. Aikido was the one place I could go and always find relief. When I moved, my apartment became a place I actually ENJOYED being. There were nights when I would think to myself, "I definitely planned to go to Aikido tonight but I kinda just want to sit on my couch and cuddle with Jason." Combine that with the fact that I almost immediately began WORKING there and the dojo has essentially turned into the source of my stress...the place I want to escape FROM. I hadn't anticipated that...and it's really upsetting me. I'm not too sure what I can do about it at this point. I've committed to this job for a year and truthfully, if I wasn't working there, where would I go? I keep telling myself I'll go back to school for something art-related and I most likely will at this point. I just have to stop changing my mind. I had a plan, I threw it away (somewhat) when this opportunity arose and now I find myself wondering if maybe it was a mistake.
Ultimately, if I didn't change jobs, I'd still be unhappy but I wouldn't be nearly as stressed or as crunched for time. And Aikido would still be a positive influence in my life. It's a catch 22. You know, I'd like to think that if I could survive living with Satan for a year, I can definitely survive this for a year. I think back to the beginning of my last job and there were certainly plenty of overtime hours and unnecessary stress. I definitely can't forget that: growing pains suck ass. But I also know that, as I believe I've said before, I have much more in common with the people at this job. We're friends; not just people that work together. I am absolutely appreciated more here than in the last one.
Ultimately I have to admit that this is certainly a step in the right direction for a lot of reasons but right now, it's hitting me at a time when all I want to do is be with my family and enjoy time off for the holidays...not feel forever indebted to the current job for a vacation to Florida that I already had planned months before this position was even open. I hate that I have to count minutes with my family during the holidays for what would have otherwise been a non-issue at the old place. It's putting a really bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing.
I'm also fighting a wicked cold so my optimism is weakened right off the bat. I have to find some kind of balance eventually..right? I have to.
And I want an effing cat.
It's not 100% bad though. I did have a really good time in Disneyworld/Universal with Jason and his family. And moving in with him continues to be the best thing that's happened to me in the two years we've been together. The time I do get to spend at home is always refreshing. Like today for instance. I've gotten so much done today!! And yet I still feel relaxed...because nothing is a "job." It's all holiday related or organization related. It's so damn nice to have a day to yourself. Even social obligations like vacations and weddings feel like a chore when they're sandwiched in between everything else. It's looking like I'll have next Sunday off as well. I'm looking forward to it!!
I keep telling myself I'm going to wake up at 6 oclock from now on so that I have an hour or 2 to get things accomplished before work but it's yet to happen. Once this cold is out of my system, I shouldn't feel like a zombie in the morning but I really have to force myself to get up. Evenings are becoming a waste in terms of getting things accomplished because this job leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. All I want to do when I get home is eat and relax...I should make more time for that much needed decompression.
3 comments:
I'm sorry it hasn't turned out to be all you hoped :/ But the beginning of a new job is usually the hardest time, so maybe after you settle into more of a routine and figure out what works for you, things will get easier. I wouldn't give up hope yet! I've known a lot of people who have quit new jobs really quickly and I'm not sure they gave it enough of a chance to see if they can figure out a way to handle it better. Good luck, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
I agree with everything Claire said. I feel like every change comes with predictable benefits and consequences and unforeseen benefits and consequences. There was zero chance that this was going to solve everything. But as you said, it's a small step in the right direction, AND your home life exponentially improved, so overall it seems like life is getting slowly, incrementally better. I am extremely familiar with this sensation.
Remember, you're only 24.
Thanks guys.
Claire, I agree with the sentiment that quitting early is a bad idea. I'm definitely going to stick it out - 1) because I committed to a year and 2) Because ultimately...some kind of balance HAS to be struck.
Blythe, you're 100% right. There really was zero chance that this would solve all of my problems but for some reason, I was kind of expecting it to. I think I got a little over-excited about how new and sudden, and seemingly easy it was. I started looking at it through rose colored glasses. And then the truth bit me in the ass.
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