A Post!

So, I've been avoiding this comprehensive post for a while. It overwhelms me with its capacity.

In the last 2 months, I have:

1) Been in 2 weddings in 2 states in 2 weeks
2) Bought a new car
3) Gone to a new dentist (something I'd avoided for far too long)
4) Attended at least 4 Aikido seminars/special classes
5) Applied for and signed lease documents for a new apartment in a new state (Virginia)
6) Planned a vacation to CA

These activities leave me tired and stressed.

The demise of my relationship with Jason, while entirely initiated by myself, has been eating away at me for 8 months now (God, that long?) and the fact that I am about to move out makes it all seem very final and, quite honestly, makes me question whether or not it was even a good idea to begin with. Truth be told I could probably benefit from this time alone but I am really going to miss having him there to talk to—especially since he will be living up to an hour away (we're both moving closer to our respective jobs). It's just the worst feeling.

All things considered, the new apartment is pretty nice. Not as small as I was expecting to find, and not as expensive as I was expecting to have to settle with. Ultimately a win.

This morning on the way into work I was lamenting over a few things about relationships:

1) It's very annoying that you cannot choose who you are attracted to. If that were the case, I would choose Jason and we'd wrap this whole thing up with a little bow.
2) It's also very annoying that I spend so much time and energy worrying about it. Why do I judge the success of my life based on my romantic relationships? Why do most people do that? Why can't we be our own source of happiness and supplement that happiness with friends/lovers? In the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty great. I have allowed this ONE aspect of it to color my mood for a year. And color it has! I am finding gray hairs.
4) Why does it seem like everyone in the world is getting married? The onslaught of wedding talk doesn't help with the "avoid thinking about relationships" attempt...

Moving into an apartment by myself with 2 cats is the first step to becoming a crazy old cat lady. Is this something that I am ok with?

In other news, my California vacation is now less than a month away and I am SO EXCITED to get out of here and stop thinking about everything... or at least have 1.5 weeks where I don't have to DO anything about it.

In other other news, 2 weekends ago, I had a very funny experience involving a person who was the product of many a conversation in high school. I will not use names for SEO purposes but about 4 seconds into this story, the 3 people who read this blog will know exactly who I am talking about.

Facebook informed me that this fellow would be starring in a musical production in Philly during the months of May, June, and some of July. I thought it would be amusing for old time's sake to see the production—considering I spent such a great deal of energy on this person in high school, and considering he spends most, if not all, of his time in NYC now.

Elana was gracious enough to accompany me to the show on very short notice so we got there early to make sure we got tickets. Left with an hour or so to spare, we decided to take a walk to a nearby restaurant to kill some time. While crossing the street, GUESS WHO WE SEE in the window of the restaurant. Yep. We decided to go to the place next door... we didn't want to risk awkward encounters. Turns out the place next door actually wasn't the place next door... it was the same goddamn place. So we marched right on past his table to be seated at the back of the restaurant. Giggling ensued. We did not make our presence known.

The show progressed as usual. Turns out we were seated 4 seats down the aisle from his PARENTS. The show was cute. We ran into another friend from high school during intermission (married AND pregnant—really though, EVERYONE?!) Since it was a professional production, I hadn't expected to encounter him after the show so I swallowed my pride and my rekindled longing and prepared to go back to the car. Upon leaving, we noticed his parents waiting around in the lobby. Now I swore to myself that I had grown up since high school. I swore to myself that I was less creepy and more in command of my compulsions now. I swore that the next time I encountered this person I would be cool as a cucumber in one of those "See what you missed out on?" kinds of moments that you see in the movies. But when I saw his parents waiting just outside the door of the lobby we were in, I turned to Elana and said, "Stop... we wait RIGHT HERE." Elana, ever the good sport, giggled and said, "Ok."

Mere minutes (which felt like 7 awkward hours) later, he arrived. The plan was to casually walk out the door as though we just happened to be walking by at the right time... My fucking palms were sweaty as we approached. I was thinking to myself, "Monique, this is absolutely insane! Stop it!" Alas, my acting skills took over and as we approached the man in question, I called out his name, cool as a cucumber (I realize this is hard to convey via written word... if I were to be saying it to myself it would have sounded like "MO-nique CU-chi! (how the hell are ya?)"). He turned toward me and I have to admit the look on his face was rather encouraging. Some mixture of "Oh my god, you are literally the last person in the world I was expecting to see" and "What a pleasant surprise!" He said "Oh my god, Monique!! Thank you so much for coming" and gave me a big hug. He introduced me to his parents (we've met) and I said, "Do you remember Elana from high school?" to which he replied "Of course!" but Elana was convinced that he didn't... I tend to agree with her. And then he was accosted by UD summer theater pre-teens. We tried to wait until they left but he had to run back inside so we didn't get to talk any more. I sent him a Facebook message congratulating him and never got a response (unsurprised).

Lessons learned:

1) Upon seeing him again, I instantly reverted to my 16 year old self, but I think I held it together on the outside pretty well. All in all, a highly amusing experience...
2) I forgot how tiny he was. As I hugged him, I wondered if I was, in fact, larger than he.
3) After the shock of seeing him again wore off, I got over it rather quickly and was a little miffed that he didn't respond to my message. Whatever. He's too cool now, I guess.

That's it for now. Countdown to California: 28 days.

California!

So I've gone and done something a bit unprecedented (perhaps unsurprisingly). I booked a vacation by myself, for myself, with me, myself, and I. 

To California. 

In late August. 

I will spend the first half in LA with BLYTHE! And the second half in the Bay Area with my uncle. Both are being gracious enough to put me up while I'm there but really I'm just stoked to get the hell out of here and enjoy the time away. 

I'll keep you posted on details as I come up with them. For now, I've got dates and plane tickets. (And lodging). A great start, I think!

Apartments

It's not even time to move yet but it's been really distracting me lately. I just have so much financial anxiety about moving into an apartment by myself with 2 cats. The options are so slim...

I keep pouring over apartment-search websites as though I'm going to find something else—which is always possible with Craigslist—but since I'm not moving until September anyway, what's the point!? I wouldn't be able to take it yet. It's just stressing me out unnecessarily. I keep repeating this to myself but I keep looking anyway. It's a compulsion. I have plenty of other tasks to take up all of my time; why am I wasting time on this?

Someone should put parental controls on all of my computers that forbid me from accessing all housing/apartment sites. Maybe I would get something done...

Challenges!!

Redesigning my website has become a nightmare.

The theme I bought... while very extensive... is difficult to understand. For every bug I fix, 5 more appear. It's rough.

Last night, I reorganized my portfolio files at least. I fished through all of the work that I have stored on my iMac (presumably the largest collection of my myriad computers) and established a cleaner collection as well as a more sensible navigation for the site itself. Baby steps I guess.

Thankfully I'm not looking for a job. The more portfolio sites I look at, the more frustrated I get. There are some really nice ones out there. I just don't have the technological skills to develop one like it just yet. Nor do I really have the direction in terms of work samples. I just want to get something up that makes sense so that I can transition into doing more illustration work. The better the work, the better the site will be.

I find that I get really tired after work on the days when I don't have aikido. I drank a coffee as I was leaving work yesterday to offset that. I was still a little tired. Maybe it worked. It kept me awake at midnight once I decided to throw in the towel for the night—that's for sure. I just find that I waste the hours between 6 and 9 doing nothing because I'm tired... and then I get a second wind around 10 or so that keeps me up until midnight... How can I alter that pattern? Maybe it has to do with food. Maybe I should push through and force myself to make dinner as soon as I get home so that the food will reenergize me. I don't know. It's frustrating.

If humans didn't need to sleep, we would get so much more done! Relaxation is worthwhile but sleep is just a waste of 8 hours if you ask me.

A Declaration

For one whole day, I am not going to rush.

Today I will take things as they come and complete things as I have the time/energy.

This past weekend was the bridal extravaganza up in Philly. Hooray! All bridal stuff is finally done! My life is mine once more! And then I got slammed with tonsillitis...

This week was essentially a wash. Thinking about everything I am behind on this morning (my one and only day of full-work this week), I started stressing myself out as usual.

I made a pact with myself during a bathroom break that I won't rush for the rest of the day. I have a lot going on, a lot to do, and a lot of places to be. And I'm still only operating at about 70% health and 30% energy. The world will keep turning. I think.

I don't even have the energy to describe the things I'm worried about these days.

Cliff notes:

• Got a new pair of glasses. They're not working as well as I'd hoped but the doc double checked the prescription and says they should be fine. The world looks distorted. It doesn't feel "fine."
• I will have to submit a claim to the ins company because of a weird snafu that made me pay for the glasses out of pocket... insurance confuses me. The idea of solving this problem makes my stomach hurt.
• I decided to re-do my website... because I can't leave well enough alone. It's the one ounce of fun I've been able to find lately. So it'll be fun when I get around to completing it. The advantage is that I'm not actively looking for a job so I can tinker forever and nothing outwardly bad will happen. I want to reorient this site to present myself as an illustrator predominantly... who also does design. My current job will pay my way through the next few years until I can formulate some sort of plan for tapping into the illustration/character creation field that interests me more. But I should begin structuring my extra-curricular life to fit my goals.
• I have an aikido test in 2 weeks that I feel underprepared for but I haven't been to class in over a week thanks to tonsillitis and travel.

Blythe likes to say that discontent is our greatest asset... in the moment though, discontent feels frustrating... Perhaps the world will seem a little less overwhelming when I can breathe through my nose again, swallow without the pain of a thousand knives, and stop coughing up phlegm. Maybe. I don't know.

No rushing today though. No rushing.