Resolve & Prioritization

I'm forcing the mental and emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past few months to end. My methods for doing so are perhaps a bit flawed but I'm going to run with it.

Resolve. I've resigned myself to the fact that this job is not the deus ex machina I forced upon it. I wanted it to solve all of my problems and as Blythe pointed out, there was absolutely no way for that to be true. I've gone through the grieving process, I've grunted through unexpected overtime, and I'm gaining a new resolve. This is a "job." It stresses me out sometimes (lots of times), it isn't necessarily what I thought it would be, it occasionally expects more from me than I think it should, it is just as much of a pain in the ass as many other young professionals' jobs, but most importantly, it pays my bills. It is the reason that I am sitting comfortably at home with enough food and heat and clothing to get me through. Will I continually try to find that perfect career? Fuck yes. But I'm giving up on thinking that this one is going to be my salvation. Could it improve significantly in a relatively short amount of time? Yes. It definitely can. But I am going to stop expecting it to, because it takes up too much of my mental space. I already spend enough hours there; I don't need to obsess about it when I come home too. I've been dreaming about it almost every night - that's messed up.

Next week is Christmas. I've never baked so many cookies before. Every Sunday this December has been devoted to holiday treats. I think it's a desperate attempt to establish normalcy in my 1 day off per week. This leaves me with a lot of cookies, candy, stomach aches, acne, and something resembling happiness. I appreciate the opportunity to do whatever the fuck I want for a day. We have a generous break for the holidays. I'm looking forward to the time off...although it's always slightly colored by a tiring amount of travel, at least this year leaves me with a few extra days for rest and relaxation in between. And it seems as though the weekend work schedule is chilling out for at least a few weeks. Also appreciated. I'm trying this whole "counting my blessings" thing. I don't want to be one of those people who only ever has something negative to say. I hate those people so I don't want to be one.

Ultimately, I have to really step back and try to stop being so negative because my boss is being SUPER gracious and helpful about this whole whirlwind. Following my last post (the whiny one), we had another chat about where we saw the position and the dojo moving in the future and how we can work on a few things in the interim to alleviate some of the unnecessary pressure. Blessing counted.

Prioritization. I have to zero in on a few things in my life and let a few others go for a hot second or else I'll never be able to get rid of the feeling that every second of relaxation is a second I should be devoting to some to-do list goal.

Decisions:

1) Let go of the mental stress about the new job. When I am not at work, I need to STOP THINKING ABOUT WORK. Open up that mental space.

2) Send out the few pending invoices for past freelance design work I've done, get paid, and then STOP ACCEPTING MORE WORK.

3) Focus on studying for this personal training certification. At this point, honestly, I really don't have the energy or desire to pursue it anymore BUT I've already paid for it and I want to support Jason in his  pursuit of it as well so I will follow through with it. I think it's probably a little bit of unnecessary pressure but ultimately, I will be able to use the things I learn from studying for the certification in my current job. I've just sort of backtracked on the whole reason I started this thing. The goal was to break up the creative energy I spent all day long at the last job with this academic/fitness oriented subject. But now that I do fitness stuff all day long, I'm back to the age old problem of "too much of a good thing." Perfect balance would be to do something creative for one part of the day and something fitness-y for the other part. Allow them to relieve one another instead of doubling up on one thing and burning out on it. Goal. Set.

I think we're probably going to aim to take the exam in March. At that time, I am going to take a serious look at my life and say, ok, what are you doing right now full time? Good, let's fill that "free time" outside of work with SOMETHING ELSE. And I have to stick to it. When I spend too much time trying to think of free time and professional time independently, they don't match up correctly and I end up with this burn-out sensation. So, Goal #2: Consider my WHOLE life at the same time. Don't make any rash fucking decisions until I've thoroughly considered how it is going to affect EVERY minute of my life. Yeah? Good.

Maybe I can form this into some kind of New Year's Resolution. I really like the idea of a New Year's Resolution but I don't think I've ever really had a good one or if I did, I never stuck to it. I'd love to have the will-power to do something for an entire year though. That sounds like a great character-building exercise.