Don't get cooked in the squat.

Zig Ziglar warns us not to get "cooked in the squat." Meaning, don't pretend to get ready for some big leap of life and then stagnate in the preparation without ever stepping off the edge.

I was getting there. I'd been squatting since January 10 when I had a breakdown in my boss's office telling him I hated working there. I was becoming cooked in the squat much to my dismay. Well... Today, as I was still convincing myself to leap, I got shoved unexpectedly off the edge. My boss informed me that Saturday should be my last day now that I have been training a temporary person for March all this week. It's Wednesday. My last day is 3 days away.

I'm terrified. But also a little relieved. I hate not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from but the fact that I don't have to go back there Monday morning is so fucking attractive.

This will mark the first time that I will leave school or a job without a very real, very viable option for continued employment since graduating college. It's kind of freeing. Makes me want to hop a plane to CA or something. Except that I shouldn't waste the money on a plane ticket haha. I need to pay bills.

It's not all that grim. I have a small freelance client base that I will be kindly asking for work. Any work. All work. And I have become involved with a creative staffing agency that will hopefully provide me with some much needed contract work.

Still scared. But this time, I'm anxious because there is a huge gaping hole in front of me that could lead to any number of awesome or terrifying things. It's a nice break from the exhaustion and suffocation of the box I was trapped in until now.

Different emotions. Still strong. But I think anxiety/excitement beats depression/hopelessness any day of the week.

Some Updates

Every now and then I decide to change around some colors and template elements on this blog as though I actually care about the design of this thing. Terrible—as I call myself a designer—but I have a hard time devoting such energy to something that I try not to avoid publicizing. I love it as a means of keeping in touch with you guys but truthfully, there are some people who certainly should NOT be reading some of this shit haha.

Home Life: The kitties have been adorable but, like any baby animal, a little needy. They cry at night when we lock them out but they jump all over us if we let them in the bedroom so we're currently trying to figure out a way to get some sleep with these guys! Otherwise, they are a little mischievous (what kittens aren't?) but mostly just cute and a great addition to the family. Home life is great. I wish I had more of it.

Draw Something Every Day: Also going great!! I have drawn something every single day so far this year. I don't always post it the same night - occasionally I'll wait until the following morning or afternoon but so far - no lapses! It's been tough at times, of course, but really, I thought it would be much harder. I guess habits are easier to form when it's something you truly enjoy.

Work: Sigh. I'll keep the bitching to a minimum and stick to the facts. The lead I had on a job from my friend fell through because it turns out they no longer need the position I'm qualified for. So, we're back to square one with the job search. I'm not going to say that I'm not disappointed...because I am. Knowing that I have the power to leave this job whenever I want is borderline torture because I have no where to go and no prospects right now. Seriously considering transitioning to full time freelance. Scares the shit out of me but now may be the time. I just want to make sure I won't be out on the streets if I decide to go this route. Enough about that for now, though. I really have nothing to report.

I read an entire web comic today (spaning the length of 3 years or so - 1 or 2 posts per week). Good stuff but super depressing by the end haha. Oh well - can't say I wasn't warned. I want to start making some of my own comics so I asked a few comic-lovin' friends for some recommendations. I want to do a little research before delving in. I'm also churning through a book on how to create comics. It's set up like a college course of about 15 weeks or so...no way I'm gonna finish it before I have to return it to the library haha so I'll figure out whether or not I want to bite the bullet and just buy it.

This weekend was very refreshing. I got so much shit done!! I didn't get a chance to apply to any more jobs yet (probably will tonight) but I got my taxes done and did some homey things. It's frickin' great when you don't have to work and when there are no other responsibilities to attend to for an entire 48 hours. It's possible that I'll have to work the next 3 weekends in a row...I'm trying not to dwell on it at the moment.

I'm also reading a book about Edward Gorey, an artist and author who writes and illustrates weird short stories that are kind of dark and yet somehow whimsical. I love his style and I love him as a strange little person. The more I read about him, the more strange personality quirks I find that we have in common. I'm not sure that it's a great thing, haha, but I'll run with it for now. If I could acquire his success, I'll take it. I think his book The Gashleycrumb Tinies is a perfect example of his work: Read Here.

I want to read some more fiction again. I need to get lost in some kind of world. It seems to really do a lot for my psyche when I'm involved in the lives of characters that have nothing to do with this world haha. I can usually spend some quality daydreaming thinking about the story. There's also a great deal of inspiration that comes from a good story I think...

I've abandoned the Personal Trainer thing - partly on purpose and partly by accident. I was taking a really long time to decide whether or not I wanted to continue with it and in doing so, the voucher expired. It really unnerves me. If I had a great prospect for a new job with awesome benefits, it would be a worthless thing to have. If, however, I decide to freelance, it probably would have been a great thing to fall back on. Sigh...I get a knot in my stomach when I think about it. Regardless of the fact that studying for it was becoming a huge pain in the ass. Though really...why kill myself to learn something new when there are people in the world who will pay for skills that I already have? It's just a matter of how to market myself...

All I want is an apartment of my own and a cat...

ACHIEVED!!

Meet Pixel and Pica. Pixel is the girl - gray with white spots on her face and Pica is the boy - brown tabby. I can't believe we finally got them!!!

Oh boy...

So, I've essentially become a mess of a human being.

Yesterday, I had the ever-so-exciting task of telling my boss that I'm going to look for another job on the eve of his knee surgery. Yep, you read that right and yep, it was just as awkward as you might imagine.

It's no surprise to anyone that I hate this job. I've tried so fucking hard to like it and to make it a more "positive" experience in my mind. What kept getting to me though was that I didn't even start the job in a negative way. In fact, I started with SUCH positive feelings about it that it took me a few solid weeks to be like, "Nope, no, Monique, you actually hate this. That's what these feelings are. Hatred." I spent a lot of nights commiserating, crying, talking Jason's ear off, working, etc. My friend Erika says to me "You know what, Niquenique (ignore the nickname..but that's what she calls me), honestly, I think you belong in a creative field. Just maybe not the job you had before. But that's just me." And then I talked to my dad a bit and we got into an interesting conversation in light of my recent illustration project (new year's resolution to draw something every day). He's been printing them out and wallpapering his office with them like any proud father but he said, "Monique, you're wasting a gift from God if you don't use this talent." My father is not a religious man. To be honest, these things hit home because only a few days earlier I was thinking about my life and how I hate my job and wondering what the hell I even wanted to do instead of what I am doing now. I didn't know the answer and really, I still don't, but I think it has to involve drawing in some way. So many interests have come and gone in my life but drawing has been my oldest, truest, and most comfortable skill and hobby. Maybe it's an illustration career, maybe it's an animation career. The specifics will be worked out but the genre, I think, is finally clear. I'm not happy when I'm not being creative—specifically, when I'm not drawing.

In order to decide what I want to do, I thought perhaps I should actually have a job that doesn't make me work weekends, pays me enough to save up in case I want to pursue another degree in a related field, and overall doesn't make me miserable. Herein lies the reason I decided to that I need to leave the dojo. I have a friend who submitted my resume to her highly corporate, big-business-y-type company (in a design or related role) and that's as far as I've gotten. Word on the street is that they will most likely contact me to at least see if I'm good for the position. Waiting to hear.

Since my current boss was expecting to have me for a year and was planning on my starting a bunch of new initiatives that I would have to follow through with months in the future, I thought it would be polite and somewhat obligatory to let him down before his knee was ripped open and he fell into a drug-induced stupor for the next few weeks. Sadly, I couldn't meet with him right away about it so I had almost a full week to stress myself out about it. He came into work yesterday for our one on one meetings about an hour late (knee surgery preparations), spent 20 minutes nit-picking the shit out of my coworker, and then we instantly jumped into the meeting. When we finally put business aside and  it was time to talk about my "personal leadership development" (he's a life coach as well, remember), the stress just fucking boiled and I instantly...and I mean instantly...started crying. Like an idiot. In my boss/teacher/friend's office. We proceeded to talk for nearly 2 hours about virtually every angle of the situation - during which time I think I was pretty much continuously crying. Even he was crying.  Basically, I guilted the poor man to tears in his own office in his own dojo on the eve of his knee surgery. I felt like a dick. But I also knew that there is no way I can stay at this job—and telling him that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in one of the most inconvenient times possible. He let me go home after the meeting because I probably looked like a mess and I mean, if the meeting even made him cry, I'm sure he sensed how emotionally exhausted I had become by the entire thing.

Ultimately, I think it ended positively. Nothing was decided—which was ultimately a wise decision seeing as we were both too emotional to think clearly about it. He offered some incentives to stick around for a few months and told me to think on it. Honestly, how long I stay will be a direct result of which next step I am going to take and how soon that next step has to happen. If I get the job at my friend's place and it pays me well and gives me good hours, I'm going to take it...whenever they need me. If it's too soon, that may anger my boss but it's a risk I might have to take. If, however, the process at this corporate place takes a little longer (which, in a place as big as that, I'd imagine it may take up to a month to finalize everything), it could be a perfect amount of time. Long story short, I am making moves to get out of there - I just don't know when or how yet. But he knows, he understands, and he is willing to work with me (as long as I work with him, I'm sure) to make it a smooth transition with no hard feelings.

I have no words to describe the feeling that yesterday left me with. Some mixture of humiliation, relief, guilt, and vacancy. My co-worker was nice enough to work this Saturday for me so I can have these 2 days (and most of tonight) to wrap my brain around everything that happened, put the shattered pieces of my stomach back together, pick myself up, and decide what my next move is.

I read this article in the meantime about a lady's journey to becoming a freelance illustrator. Some good stuff in there. That may be my first attempt at happiness. I always thought that the freelance lifestyle might suit my tastes most comfortably but it's not an overnight transition so I'm still looking for that full-time job which can support me in the way I need to be supported without taking over my life. It's a stepping stone. An avenue for change. A means to an end - not the end itself; which is something I've yet to actually ask for in a job.

New Year's Resolution (NYR'13) - Day 1

I'm going to chronicle the Resolution Drawings on my other website/blog. Here is a link to Day 1's post.

I decided to go with hands for January. 31 days - that's a lot of hands!!