I feel a need to post but I have nothing much to say...
I would love to be a person that consistently keeps a blog. However, as evidenced by the archive in my right rail, it is very clear that at around the 4th or 5th month of relatively consistent posting, I end up forgetting about blogging with the next installment of "Monique is in her 20s—here is another major life change."
I would like to work on consistency. While variety (the spice of life) is of utmost importance to me, I find that I tend to crave some semblance of routine—a few things about which I can say "Yes, I do this consistently." Aikido is really the only thing that fits that description right now. That's fine. That's probably more than a lot of people my age can say.
I visited my family this weekend. It was nice—always is. The more time I spend separated from them, though, the more I realize how different my life has become. My life-goals (if I have any life-goals) don't necessarily mimic theirs anymore. And I feel like I have been fighting this internal battle of who I want to be versus who my family expects me to be. I know that if push came to shove, they would accept pretty much whatever I threw at them. They have always been supportive; but not without judgment. And, I don't know. Some of the roads I've been compelled to follow lately don't lend themselves well to their acceptance.
Sometimes, it's nice to visit, but then it's nice to get away. I find that to be true for more than just my family.
Makes me want to fly away somewhere get lost in anonymity.
1.20.2014
1.14.2014
Weddings
'Tis the season for weddings. It seems like everyone I know is getting married.
I'm in the bridal party for two weddings within 2 weeks of one another in June—in 2 different states. I have gone from being in exactly 1 wedding in the past (as a junior bridesmaid) to suddenly being in two at the same time and having TWICE the amount of prep to deal with. Both showers are in March. One Bachelorette is in March and the other is the weekend in between the two weddings in June. So it's kind of silly. It's CHAOS from now until March—and then there will be this dead-space of 2 months before the madness of June.
Of course, there will be preparatory work to be done for the weddings themselves in April and May but since the showers and bachelorettes are the two bridesmaid-run events, I'm thinking that the February/March period will be more insane.
To complicate matters one step farther, there are TWO AIKIDO SEMINARS in March. What is going on with the world?! March is not the only month in 2014, people!! I will have to miss one of the seminars due to a shower conflict but I should be able to attend the other in full—which should be a nice way to relax but since it will ultimately be just another place that I have to be at a specific time on a specific day, it might end up feeling like more of a chore.
Ah, well. When it rains it pours, I guess.
It's not all grim. These things are, at the heart of it, very fun. It's my obsessive-compulsive tendencies that are making me anxious about it. I want everything to run smoothly. I want everything to be done on time—and a lot of the pressure is on me to make that happen. I certainly have plenty of help—but help doesn't eliminate the pressure; merely reduces it.
This insanity is part of the reason I chose to adopt my "One Step at a Time" mentality for a New Years Resolution. I think I might have to get it tattooed backward on my goddamn forehead, though, because oftentimes I start cataloging all of these obligations at once and I start hyperventilating.
I'm in the bridal party for two weddings within 2 weeks of one another in June—in 2 different states. I have gone from being in exactly 1 wedding in the past (as a junior bridesmaid) to suddenly being in two at the same time and having TWICE the amount of prep to deal with. Both showers are in March. One Bachelorette is in March and the other is the weekend in between the two weddings in June. So it's kind of silly. It's CHAOS from now until March—and then there will be this dead-space of 2 months before the madness of June.
Of course, there will be preparatory work to be done for the weddings themselves in April and May but since the showers and bachelorettes are the two bridesmaid-run events, I'm thinking that the February/March period will be more insane.
To complicate matters one step farther, there are TWO AIKIDO SEMINARS in March. What is going on with the world?! March is not the only month in 2014, people!! I will have to miss one of the seminars due to a shower conflict but I should be able to attend the other in full—which should be a nice way to relax but since it will ultimately be just another place that I have to be at a specific time on a specific day, it might end up feeling like more of a chore.
Ah, well. When it rains it pours, I guess.
It's not all grim. These things are, at the heart of it, very fun. It's my obsessive-compulsive tendencies that are making me anxious about it. I want everything to run smoothly. I want everything to be done on time—and a lot of the pressure is on me to make that happen. I certainly have plenty of help—but help doesn't eliminate the pressure; merely reduces it.
This insanity is part of the reason I chose to adopt my "One Step at a Time" mentality for a New Years Resolution. I think I might have to get it tattooed backward on my goddamn forehead, though, because oftentimes I start cataloging all of these obligations at once and I start hyperventilating.
1.10.2014
Another Year Gone By
Well life certainly gets interesting.
I'll spare you the details of the last 6 months or so but I do apologize for the lengthy lapse in posting. I wanted to devote this post, mostly, to a declaration of resolutions/intentions/goals/whatever-word-you-choose for the year.
Last year's resolution to draw something every day was a bit ambitious; but I'm proud of my progress! I drew something every single day in the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, and October. That's 7 months! Pretty good! The remaining months didn't go un-drawn—I just didn't stick to it daily. Overall, fairly successful—and I would say that I even have a few nice pieces to show for it.
This year, I think I'm going to be a little broader, a little more vague, and a little more all-inclusive.
I tend to think of these goals in categories.
In the "Art" Category:
My goal is to illustrate one book this year. One day, I'd love to write my own book and illustrate that, but in the interest of scope, I'm going to leave the writing to someone else this time. My first thought was The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. However, I read the short story and learned that the original isn't very interesting in comparison to all of the other media that has been made about it after the fact. So instead, I will be illustrating The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This novella is super interesting and the musical is my favorite! So, I have a great deal of excitement about it already.
In the "Work" Category:
Now that my work life has settled, I'm really quite happy. I'll work on little things this year like being more productive or working through moments of lesser motivation. Mostly, I just want to learn a LOT about this design field and attempt to develop some sort of mastery in it. I don't want to take this job for granted because it's the best I've ever had so I will really want to make the most out of it this year.
In the "Personal" Category:
I feel as though I have a lot of work to do here. I'm just struggling. I let things stress me out more than I should. I take things for granted more than I should. I'm motivated when I can't do anything about it. I'm unmotivated when I have the time. I'm restless. I'm tired. I'm stressed. There are a lot of things to work on. Once more in the interest of scope (can you tell that I've been working for a consulting agency for 7 months now?) I'm going to try to pick a few to work on. I've given it a little thought and I believe that these 3 will be the focus:
Rock on.
I'll spare you the details of the last 6 months or so but I do apologize for the lengthy lapse in posting. I wanted to devote this post, mostly, to a declaration of resolutions/intentions/goals/whatever-word-you-choose for the year.
Last year's resolution to draw something every day was a bit ambitious; but I'm proud of my progress! I drew something every single day in the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, and October. That's 7 months! Pretty good! The remaining months didn't go un-drawn—I just didn't stick to it daily. Overall, fairly successful—and I would say that I even have a few nice pieces to show for it.
This year, I think I'm going to be a little broader, a little more vague, and a little more all-inclusive.
I tend to think of these goals in categories.
In the "Art" Category:
My goal is to illustrate one book this year. One day, I'd love to write my own book and illustrate that, but in the interest of scope, I'm going to leave the writing to someone else this time. My first thought was The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. However, I read the short story and learned that the original isn't very interesting in comparison to all of the other media that has been made about it after the fact. So instead, I will be illustrating The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This novella is super interesting and the musical is my favorite! So, I have a great deal of excitement about it already.
In the "Work" Category:
Now that my work life has settled, I'm really quite happy. I'll work on little things this year like being more productive or working through moments of lesser motivation. Mostly, I just want to learn a LOT about this design field and attempt to develop some sort of mastery in it. I don't want to take this job for granted because it's the best I've ever had so I will really want to make the most out of it this year.
In the "Personal" Category:
I feel as though I have a lot of work to do here. I'm just struggling. I let things stress me out more than I should. I take things for granted more than I should. I'm motivated when I can't do anything about it. I'm unmotivated when I have the time. I'm restless. I'm tired. I'm stressed. There are a lot of things to work on. Once more in the interest of scope (can you tell that I've been working for a consulting agency for 7 months now?) I'm going to try to pick a few to work on. I've given it a little thought and I believe that these 3 will be the focus:
- Taking Things One Step at a Time—Instead of obsessing about everything at once and collapsing under the pressure, I am going to try to focus on one thing at a time. When I finish that thing, I will work on another thing.
- Re-Defining Myself—I've spent a very long time making decisions about who I am and what I want based on the presence of others—family, friends, and most notably—boyfriends. I need to figure out who I am and what I want before I try to share my life with someone else on any sort of permanent level. When things are broken in my relationship, I feel like a broken person myself. That isn't healthy.
- Running More Consistently—When things stress me out or when I feel the need to physically run away from a situation, I always find solace in jogging through the neighborhood with some music that I enjoy and unwinding. I've begun the "Couch to 5k" program so that I don't hurt myself (my problem with running is that my endurance tends to outlive my legs so I push too hard too soon and get injured). Maybe I'll enter a race. Maybe I won't. But it'll be something good for me to do for myself.
Rock on.
5.20.2013
Quick Update
Time for a quick update because I desperately want to avoid falling out of touch with this blog. I cannot even believe that this is my LAST WEEK of freelancing before I start my new job. Didn't I just accept the position yesterday? Where has the time gone?! What?! All very exciting but I am starting to feel the effects of my procrastination creeping up on me.
No regrets though. As stated several times before, these past few months of relative ease and relaxation have been instrumental. Like hitting a re-set button. Do I feel 100% in control of every aspect of my life? Hardly. Does one ever? But do I feel like I have a direction now? Yes. I really fucking do. This job may bore me to death. The government hoopla may tire me. But you know what? It may not! And since I will be compensated like the educated professional I actually am, I will be able to stomach a whole lot more. I have no predictions for the day-to-day. I'm a little scared, a little excited, a little apprehensive...but mostly, I'm saying "Bring it on." I'm ready to lay the "job" question to rest for a little while. I'm ready to concentrate on other aspects of my life.
I've already seen a huge jump in mental priority in this past month. Without having to worry about the job thing anymore, I find myself thinking a lot more about Aikido. This is one of those cyclical things: since I've been freelancing, the only place I physically GO during the week is Aikido:: so it's been my only source of human interaction:: therefore I've been thinking about it a lot more:: therefore I attend class a lot more:: and on and on in a circle. Additionally, one of my instructors has given me a few Aikido-centric books that have opened up some incredibly interesting discussions about some of the art's less-obvious themes/problems/etc. The first book is a collection of interviews with high-ranking women aikidoka (people who do Aikido). I blew through that one in about 3 days. It brought up a lot of interesting things about a woman's place in the dojo, the nature of her path through the art, and the nature of her interactions with fellow students and teachers. The current book is essentially the opposite: it takes a very male approach to the Aikido discussion but not in an annoying way. I've been reading this one a lot slower because it delves into some pretty complex topics that are a bit over my head at this point in my training but I find it fascinating. The book is described on the jacket as being "an evil twin" to the perfect martial arts book. I can see why. It takes a very in-your-face, not-everything-in-this-world-is-pretty kind of approach that I find refreshing. There is no need to walk around like a king because you know a lot of really cool martial arts moves. What are the real implications of this knowledge? What does it really provide you? What responsibility does it leave you? How do these things fit within an otherwise normal lifestyle?
I've reached a point in my training (almost 2 years) where I'm starting to question things a bit. I've been doing the "place my foot here because you told me to" thing for a while now. Since it is fairly obvious that I plan to see this through to at least first degree black belt (and probably beyond), I'm taking a good hard look at the way I'm shaping my training and the things I hope to get out of it. Exciting—but also complex. I don't know. Something to think about.
No regrets though. As stated several times before, these past few months of relative ease and relaxation have been instrumental. Like hitting a re-set button. Do I feel 100% in control of every aspect of my life? Hardly. Does one ever? But do I feel like I have a direction now? Yes. I really fucking do. This job may bore me to death. The government hoopla may tire me. But you know what? It may not! And since I will be compensated like the educated professional I actually am, I will be able to stomach a whole lot more. I have no predictions for the day-to-day. I'm a little scared, a little excited, a little apprehensive...but mostly, I'm saying "Bring it on." I'm ready to lay the "job" question to rest for a little while. I'm ready to concentrate on other aspects of my life.
I've already seen a huge jump in mental priority in this past month. Without having to worry about the job thing anymore, I find myself thinking a lot more about Aikido. This is one of those cyclical things: since I've been freelancing, the only place I physically GO during the week is Aikido:: so it's been my only source of human interaction:: therefore I've been thinking about it a lot more:: therefore I attend class a lot more:: and on and on in a circle. Additionally, one of my instructors has given me a few Aikido-centric books that have opened up some incredibly interesting discussions about some of the art's less-obvious themes/problems/etc. The first book is a collection of interviews with high-ranking women aikidoka (people who do Aikido). I blew through that one in about 3 days. It brought up a lot of interesting things about a woman's place in the dojo, the nature of her path through the art, and the nature of her interactions with fellow students and teachers. The current book is essentially the opposite: it takes a very male approach to the Aikido discussion but not in an annoying way. I've been reading this one a lot slower because it delves into some pretty complex topics that are a bit over my head at this point in my training but I find it fascinating. The book is described on the jacket as being "an evil twin" to the perfect martial arts book. I can see why. It takes a very in-your-face, not-everything-in-this-world-is-pretty kind of approach that I find refreshing. There is no need to walk around like a king because you know a lot of really cool martial arts moves. What are the real implications of this knowledge? What does it really provide you? What responsibility does it leave you? How do these things fit within an otherwise normal lifestyle?
I've reached a point in my training (almost 2 years) where I'm starting to question things a bit. I've been doing the "place my foot here because you told me to" thing for a while now. Since it is fairly obvious that I plan to see this through to at least first degree black belt (and probably beyond), I'm taking a good hard look at the way I'm shaping my training and the things I hope to get out of it. Exciting—but also complex. I don't know. Something to think about.
5.08.2013
Life
My life at the moment: a weird threshold—stuck in limbo between one lifestyle and another.
But I really can't complain. And I won't. Because ultimately, I am content. Happy even.
Since the beginning of March, I have had a physical freedom that I had never experienced before. I literally have no physical commitments on a day to day basis—particularly in terms of employment. I can be anywhere in the damn world as long as I have internet access and an external hard drive. I'm even fairly flexible when it comes to Aikido. I go to class 3 days a week. Wednesdays are mandatory because Sensei teaches and I'm in the instructor training program. Thursdays are devoted to weapons so I always make sure to attend because I enjoy it. The last day is totally up to me! I could go 4 days a week if I wanted. If it's a particularly busy week, maybe I only go 2. Whatever!
My biggest challenge at the moment is structuring my day. When I have SUCH a large gaping hole of "free-time," I tend to lose focus and in stressing about all of the things I could be doing, I end up sitting around playing songs on youtube and realizing: Where the hell did 3:00 go? Wasn't it 2:45 a minute ago? How is it 4:30 now? And what the hell did I do in that hour and a half?
Since accepting the new job (which begins on May 28!!), I've been looking at these few weeks as like a waiting period instead of what they truly are: three full weeks of my life that I should do something productive with. So I think I'm going to attempt to outline a daily plan. I had avoided it until this point because it felt like an exercise in futility. What am I going to do with this plan when I start work on May 28? But no! I shall make a plan that I can carry on into my days of work. Mostly this plan involves waking up earlier (haha) and assembling a very specific list of things to accomplish in the morning before work so as to avoid either procrastinating with them later or being stuck with them at 10:30pm when I finally get around to them. Things like blogging, Facebooking, running, reading magazines....things I resort to when I want to waste a little time because "Oh I haven't done that lately!" Perhaps I'll even set it up on a weekly schedule so that I don't feel the need to rush through all of them in 2 hours in the morning. I don't know. A worthy experiment. I was inspired by Claire and Corey's seemingly smooth but interesting daily routine in which there was enough time to themselves to stay sane but enough structure that they actually got things done on a daily basis.
But it all harkens back to willpower. Do I have the willpower to wake up a 6 o'clock in the morning when I know I don't ultimately have to? Judging from past experience, no, haha.
But I really can't complain. And I won't. Because ultimately, I am content. Happy even.
Since the beginning of March, I have had a physical freedom that I had never experienced before. I literally have no physical commitments on a day to day basis—particularly in terms of employment. I can be anywhere in the damn world as long as I have internet access and an external hard drive. I'm even fairly flexible when it comes to Aikido. I go to class 3 days a week. Wednesdays are mandatory because Sensei teaches and I'm in the instructor training program. Thursdays are devoted to weapons so I always make sure to attend because I enjoy it. The last day is totally up to me! I could go 4 days a week if I wanted. If it's a particularly busy week, maybe I only go 2. Whatever!
My biggest challenge at the moment is structuring my day. When I have SUCH a large gaping hole of "free-time," I tend to lose focus and in stressing about all of the things I could be doing, I end up sitting around playing songs on youtube and realizing: Where the hell did 3:00 go? Wasn't it 2:45 a minute ago? How is it 4:30 now? And what the hell did I do in that hour and a half?
Since accepting the new job (which begins on May 28!!), I've been looking at these few weeks as like a waiting period instead of what they truly are: three full weeks of my life that I should do something productive with. So I think I'm going to attempt to outline a daily plan. I had avoided it until this point because it felt like an exercise in futility. What am I going to do with this plan when I start work on May 28? But no! I shall make a plan that I can carry on into my days of work. Mostly this plan involves waking up earlier (haha) and assembling a very specific list of things to accomplish in the morning before work so as to avoid either procrastinating with them later or being stuck with them at 10:30pm when I finally get around to them. Things like blogging, Facebooking, running, reading magazines....things I resort to when I want to waste a little time because "Oh I haven't done that lately!" Perhaps I'll even set it up on a weekly schedule so that I don't feel the need to rush through all of them in 2 hours in the morning. I don't know. A worthy experiment. I was inspired by Claire and Corey's seemingly smooth but interesting daily routine in which there was enough time to themselves to stay sane but enough structure that they actually got things done on a daily basis.
But it all harkens back to willpower. Do I have the willpower to wake up a 6 o'clock in the morning when I know I don't ultimately have to? Judging from past experience, no, haha.
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